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Category: Spirituality
Question: Dear Slovie,
My husband I have both read your book. Firstly, thank you for writing such a thoughtful, Torah-based approach to parenting that can reach so many people around the world.
We are a dati leumi couple in our 30's with a beautiful 9 month old girl, Tzofiah. We recently spent shabbat in the home of a chassidic family, and I noticed that they were washing netilat yadayim with their 12 month old, as well as saying shema and morning brochot with him. I understand the importance of chinuch early on but I was wondering if we're making a mistake by not already introducing these rituals and tefilot to our baby? Should I be washing her hands in the morning already??? Should I be saying shema with her at night??? Brochot in the morning???
Thank you,
-R
Answer: Dear R.,
It is wonderful to hear from you-a paren...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie,
Thanks so much for your inspiration. I could not be there at your randolph, nj lecture, but am catching up during weekly torah class and reading. I have an 8 year old, a daughter with mild special needs and related behavioral difficulties. Often she frustrates too quickly (i.e. asks "I need help" and starts yelling within a second without waiting for me to cross the floor to assist her) and also has difficulty in understanding her own tone of voice. She is fairly negative in her self-perception at times and will say rude and disrespectful things when she is suddenly overwhelmed. I tell her, this behavior does not become you, or that I can't understand her when she yells at me, and often I have to remove her to time-out until it is over and she can regain control. I do try to take the time each day for lots of hugs and kisses and expressions of empathy when she needs to discuss a hardship, like her difficulties in gym class, and I try hard not to lose my temper. It is VERY challenging. I feel that if I do not respond in w strong way (firm tone of voice, immed consequences - I do NOT hit and only did once when she was younger and ran into a parking lot - wasn't listening) but I am often tempted to lost it completely. How far should I be going to make it VERY and abundantly clear that it is never ok to be disrespectful, or use a poor tone of voice. Her mild special needs complicate this, but I do not want to expect less of her, as stretching her as much as possible makes it more likely that she may ultimately lead a normal life and have healthy social relationships.
I look forward to your advice. Thank you so much
Answer: I can understand how difficult this challenge must...
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Category: Aggression
Question: Hi Slovie, Is it possible to meet you for a one on one answer to a question. I have a question that been eating at me and I can't seem to work it through myself.
Thanks so much.
Answer: it is best to reach me through the hineni building...
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Category: Discipline
Question: dear slovie,
i would first like to express my feelings about your book that i just put down. i would like to say that this book really opened my eyes to a new inspirational light on not only parenting but on love life and true happiness.what moved me the most is reading about ur upbringing and ur appreciation to ur parents for giving you exactly what u needed to become the exceptional person you are today.you came from a pure generation and the 'old ways' is very hard to bring back today. youve reached out to soo many people with ur incredible insights and u grab peoples attention through love on jewish life NOT BY FORCE and thats the most effective way in bringing am israel closer.thank you.
Well as for me,im a mother of 3 ages 6,4,2.and im so grateful for these beautiful gifts from hashem and i cherish them so. i have a little issue with my middle child (they say the sandwich child).she has a tough character and doesnt take no for an answer.she has a hard time even with the teacher disciplining her.i have the hardest time getting her dressed in the morning and especiallygetting her to bed at night no matter wat i do!(i even one time took all her stuff out of her room as punishment to the point where the only thing left was her bed,and she still didnt care)i find the only way getting alittle through to her is through complimenting her but the min i get angry at something she does,she goes back to her original self. i really crave for that patience u wrote on and hiow to give each child his undivided attention and i started doing that with her everday for an hr after she comes home from school,can u give me more tips on how to discipline for home as well as school,thanks
Answer: Thank you so very much for your beautiful email. I...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Dear Slovie,
I have a toddler of two and a half. On the way home from visiting my in laws he woke up from a short nap in the car. Of course he was very tired and kvetchy. He asked for a candy and I did not want him to have one so he started screaming. My husband said he " needs a whack" and we have decided against smacking. It upset me very much that my husband gets so angry and just wants to smack. At first I left him to scream and scream then I decided to "distract" him. and started talking to him about purim and what we're going to do (because these were candies for mishloach manos). He stopped screaming and all was ok.
Do you think I dealt with it ok? I fear that I might have been to soft but I just felt that he was tired, he had been in the car in traffic for 2 hours, he was hungry, and it was understandable from a 2 year old. I was very upset with my husband. He always just wants to smack and scream because he says the kid isnt learning anything. He is generally such a well behaved boy, just in his terrible toddler years( i prefer terrific toddler)years and I dont know how to get my husband to see that its normal and we dont need to scream, insult, threaten, smack. He began telling my son if u dont stop screaming you cannot have on purim..my son screamt louder and he said ok you;re not getting (of course he will though) but I totally disagree with this method.
Answer: my dear friend,
It saddens to hear that you are t...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Hi Slovie
I am a mother of 4 children. My third duaghter, age 7, has recently done some worrying things, and I am unsure how to handle them. I feel guilty that she always receives the least attention, since she was a baby, for various reasons, and so I am most lenient to her, and give in to her the most, which I believe may have contributed?
A few weeks ago, my oldest daughter and I were away for a night. My two youngest girls (ages 5 and 7) went into her room, which is strictly forbidden to them, and played with her things. The 7 year old convinced my 5 year old that a number of items were hers, and they moved them to her room (magazines, makeup, jewellery). I required them to help clean up and return the items, but did not insist when the 7 year old left (my oldest was being very mean to her, and is often. Then last week, she returned from a playdate with an mp3 player, which she told me a different friend had given her as a birthday present. It was odd as her birthday party was in November, but not totally unexpected, so I thought no more of it until the mom phoned me to say that her child's mp3 was missing. I retuend it to the mother, and we agreed that her daughter would not be told, in order to protect my daugher from gossiping amongst her peers. She has not asked me about it, and may not have noticed it has gone (I don't believe it was the mp3 player that was important to her, other than for the fleeting moment). I am not sure how to talk to my daughter about it, or what I need to make her do. I thought it was an isolated incident, until her friend came over to play on Friday after school. My daughter had brought home some erasers a few weeks ago, and said she won them in the raffle on Friday (which they do every week, and get small prizes). In the kitchen, her friend said "there are my erasers, I wonder how they got here". My daughter looked at me quickly with a scared look, and then giggled and said "yes I wonder how they got here". I have noticed one other dishonest thing she does. She recently started reading a lot, fairly advanced books for her age. I was thrilled as she is a more active athletic child. Her 2 best friends are almost a year older than her and very bright, and she has been borrowing boooks from them, which I was surprised she was reading at that level. This week I asked her to tell me what the book was about, and discovered that she's not really reading them. I can't figure out if she's pretending completely she can read at Grade Level) or she says she jumps around and reads bits here and there.
I would love your help, to put in perspective how serious these behaviours are, and how to best approach them.
Thanks
B
Answer: Dear B.,
You write that your daughter has receive...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Slovie i have a child in grade 1 and whenever i pick him and his carpool up they (all 4)hound me about buying then shlurpees after school. This bothers me for a no. of reasons but i can never come up with a good response other than annoyance. I dont want 4 kids wining at me every carpool, i feel that they should ask their own moms not me, i feel that i shouldnt feel harassed to buy them shlurpees but can never come up with an appropriate response other than giving in very unhappily or else being the mean mom.Yesterday one of the kids said to me my mom will never buy us so you should!!When i dont buy them i feel like the meanest mom in the world on the other hand i should not feel hararsed to spend $10 every carpool and i have 4 other childrens carpool the same week.
Answer: It is obvious to me that the children sense a weak...
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Category: Communication
Question: Your website mentions weekly parenting classes in Westchester. I was interesting in getting details about this, location, time, date, etc.
Answer: please call the hineni office at 516 371 9202 and...
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Category: Self Esteem
Question: Dear Slovie,
A couple of months ago I went to the lecture you gave in my town and was so inspired. Thank you so much for the chizuk you gave me.
I would very much appreciate your input on the situation I have with my son Y. He is 14 and in the 9th grade in our local Yeshiva. Y. is a good hearted boy and intelligent, but is not quick witted socially. He often doesn't "get" things that people say or do right away. He has been in school with the same group of boys since elementary. They are mostly all good boys and have been nice to Y. over the years. The past couple of years, though, as the boys have gotten older, they seem to be less tolerant of Y. being slower to catch on to what's going on around him. Also, in high school there are many other boys interacting with each other. It is not just his small elementary school group anymore. Y. has told us that he is often called "retarded" and/or laughed at by other boys. He can't think quickly enough of responses to say to them and so just walks away and takes this abuse. We have told him to ignore these boys and stick with the boys who are nice. He does this for the most part, but the taunts and laughter of the other boys crushes his spirit. We told him to tell his Rebbe when boys say hurtful things to him. He refuses to do this because he doesn't want to be called a "rat". Last year there was an incident where a couple of boys blatently took advantage of Y.'s weakness and we felt we had to intervene. We talked to the principal about it and the boys in question got into trouble. Since then those boys hate Y. and everyone in the class now considers Y. a "rat". Whenever someone in the class gets in trouble for anything, they always look at Y. assuming he told on them, even though he didn't. For this reason, he refuses to tell his Rebbeim when he is taunted.
Earlier this school year Y. told me that he is used to the other kids making fun of him and it doesn't bother him anymore. He just walks away from them. This of course hurts me to the core of my being, that my son should be used to being ridiculed and consider this "normal". Lately, though he has been expressing feelings of worthlessness saying that no one likes him. He has also expressed some deep anger that he has toward some of the boys that belittle him. I know this is very unhealthy and want this situation to stop. We have offered Y. to send him to another Yeshiva. He says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to leave home. The Yeshiva he goes to now is the only one in our town so he would have to leave home if we send him to another school.
What should we do? Should we go ahead and push him to go to a different school? Would this send him a message of running away from his problems? On the other hand, do we allow him to be subjected to another 3 years of ridicule, being made to feel inferior and having his self esteem chipped away at? We try to bolster his spirits, tell him to stick with the nice boys and reinforce that he is a good person, but needless to say his self-esteem has suffered greatly.
I would so appreciate your advice. Thank you so much.
S.
Answer: Dear S.,
I read and reread your letter a number o...
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Category: Sibling Rivalry
Question: Hi Slovie, I have been attending your Long Island parenting classes for over 2 years, and I am very happy that this season we have been addressing sibling rivalry due to the nature of many frustrations going on in my house. I have a 9 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. It was her birthday smack in the middle of Hanukkah this week, and my son cannot let go of the fact that her birthday gift/TV is bigger, clearer and believe it or not mounted on a cool swinging stand-all in comparison to the one he received on his birthday a few years ago. He freaked out from the minute she opened her gift, and tonight our Hanukkah was no better. I like to think that I am trying to approach this holiday correctly with one night's present covering 4 nights, one night we give to charity, and the others from small trinkets to tonight - a surprise for both kids (something they did not ask for). So, tonight he had a huge box as compared to his sister, and while hers was a small painting set, he got was a tabletop hockey foosball set. Not only did he not like it, but did not even acknowledge when we pointed out to him that his sister did not compare sizes of gifts! Simply his reaction, to what we thought would have been a great surprise, was quite a disappointment to us! (I am not sure if it is related that he quantifies everything, for example, when I made dreidel shaped rice krispy treats for his Hebrew class, before Hebrew, he said I did not make enough, but when class was over -he probably brought home 30 of them, claiming I made too much!) So, it seems that mom cannot do anything right by her son, and he feels so deprived that I am not sure what to do. Thanks, M.
Answer: Dear M.,
Gift giving can become such a great sour...
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Category: Relationships
Question: My son is going through a nasty spilt with the mother of their 1 yr old son for custody. The mother says she is going to raise their son to be gay. Is it medically and emotionally possible to raise a child to be gay?Neither parent is gay.
Answer: I believe this is just part of the 'nasty divorce'...
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Category: Sibling Rivalry
Question: Dear Mrs. Woolf,
I recently heard you lecture in Toronto and was very moved.I had purchased your book a week earlier totally randomly,read it, raved about it, and then a friend of mine told me you were coming.I bought it beacause it said "by R. Jungreis's daughter",I figured how wrong could I go.I guess the old saying that there is no such thing as coincedense rings true! WOW, you brought to light everything I knew in my mind,and felt in my heart BUT was not sure how to execute it.I grew up in a home where middot were strongly valued, but had a hard time imparting it to my own children.After reading your book and hearing you speak, it gave me such chizuk to put it in to action.It is easy to say"kids of today are different,or it's just to hard to fight for old fashion values..." however you inspired me to find the strenghth inside to fight for this most important job in life which is raising your children to be mentches.I always thought, if I just model proper behaviour they'll eventually learn, but you advised to "explain our actions,our spouses positive actions and it has made such a wonderful difference in my home.My question is as follows, how do you gently remind children without starting to portray yourself as a broken record? I sometimes have a hard time knowing when to step in ,and when to back off so my kids don't tune me out.I know that in school and at friends houses I get nothing but nachat reports on how lovely the children are, but at home I find them constantly fighting,bickering,teasing eachother, and I just have a hard time differentiating between what is normal sibling relationships, and when to step in and give the "you need to have Derech Eretz for eachother...".I would appriciate if you had any advise on this issue.
Thank-You So Much,
Answer: Yours is a most important question. We don't want ...
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Category: Sibling Rivalry
Question: An 11 year old girl is jealous of her brothers upcoming Bar Mitzva and all the attention he is getting. She says,
"its not fair that I am not commanded to learn and have a Bar Mitzvah. please advise
Answer: there is no word for 'fair' in the Torah-do you kn...
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Category: Chutzpah
Question: My four year old son, an only boy among five girls, is getting increasingly out of hand. He yells all his demands, and gets infuriated when they are not met. If I reprimand him, or put him into time out, he takes out his anger on his two younger sisters. He speaks very disrespectfully, and tends to be quite negative. I am out of ideas on what to do - being patient and speaking gently to him does not help matters, and punishing him only heightens his anger. What am I to do? His behavior is detrimentally affecting everyone in the house.
I want to add that on the flip side, the times when he is good, it's like he's another person - exceptionally sweet and generous and giving. As an aside, he loves to pretend that he's a baby lion by putting on pajamas that has pictures of lions, and then he acts all tender, and cuddly, and babyish.
I appreciate any advice you can give me, as I am at my wits end. Thank you.
Answer: i believe that you need to take a two pronged appr...
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Category: Discipline
Question: what is a good time to spank a child if he or she does something wrong and were is a good place to spank? Also is being really angery at a child a normal feeling?
Answer: There is NEVER a good place or time to spank unles...
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Category: Communication
Question: My child is now sleeping through the night very nicely. This took about 1.5 years. He is now 2 yrs old. However I have never sleep trained him using the "cry it out" method. I have always helped him fall asleep with my soothing, my presence. I feel that this was the best approach for him and for me. And he has done well. He is happy and good natured. But he is quite needy of my presence. He often rejects other caregivers doing small tasks with him if I am around. My question to you is regarding how and when to draw the line with this attachment parenting approach. I want him to learn to fall asleep on his own and I feel that this would be good for him and for his confidence, but how do you suggest I approach this. I prefer not to torment him and let him "cry it out". I don't want him to wonder where his mommy is and if I'll even be back. I have an idea on how I can do this lovingly but I would really like your advice and re-enforcement on this issue because sleep books don't address the effect a parent's actions/decisions can have on the child's soul and on their character.. they often focus on the immediate results and I am much more concerned about the long term effects... thanks for listening and I appreciate any response you can provide.
sincerely,
Jody Bresgi
Toronto, Canada
Answer: Your son sounds very even temperd and well adjuste...
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Category: Peer Pressure
Question: Thank you for the wonderful talk last night in Hollywood, FL. You are an inspiration to us all. I am reading your book -- it is amazing. Thank you for sharing H'S's wisdom in such a beautiful, simple and profound way.
My daughter is 13 years old and going to bat/bar-mitzvah dance parties. She dances with her friends as a group but there are girls in the party that "booty dance." I'm not sure if you know what "booty dancing" is so let me explain. It's when a girl starts moving her hips back and forth and a boy attaches himself to her from the back, rubbing himself on her. And they dance together, swaying their hips together. My daughter says she has never done this and thinks it's inappropriate. We have spoken about respecting yourself and boundaries, and have told her repeatedly that before acting she must stop and think about the consequences of her actions and consider if H'S would be proud of them or not. But she is there, at the parties, watching friends of her doing it. I am worried about what this exposure could do to her. She is a smart, mature and very good girl, the kind of girl who at 10 decided to grow her blond hair and donate it to make a wig for a girl with cancer because everybody always told her how beautiful her hair was. But now she is a teenager exposed to these kinds of things.
What advise can you give me?
Answer: First, I would like to tell you that it was a grea...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi Slovie,
I saw you speak in Toronto. It was very informative and relevant for our family - thank you - you were very good .
We have a question about giving a 13 year old an allowance. What are your thoughts on giving an allowance to children and do you think they should earn it? Do you think they can lose their allowance?
We have struggled with this for 2 years now. We've given it with conditions of minimal chores, but the conditions were met at random, and usually with a lot of nagging. We took the allowance away but we still ended up giving her money. We admit we haven't been consistent with rules or consequences and now we have a 13 year old, who's a good kid overall, but very self induldged, entitled, not genuinely grateful or respectful of things.
We want her to learn to manage money and prioritize what she does with it - make choices and sacrafices. She currently has NO regular household chores and must be nagged to do most things.
In addition, we have shared custody of her with another parent from a first mariage, so not only do we lack consistency at our end, she goes to a different house with different rules half the week. We have her 3 nights each week and every other weekend, about 55% of her time is spent here.
Would love your input.
Thank you in advance,
*
Answer: It was wonderful to see you in Toronto and I appre...
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Category: Communication
Question: Thank you so much for your wonderful book on "Raising a Child with Soul." Our daughter, who is 15 years old, has a school trip coming up and she leaves on a Monday, Nov 2, for 4 days. She works at our temple's Sunday School, where we drop her off at 8:30 .m. My daughter's friend and her mother invited our daughter to spend the Sunday,(Nov 1) day and overnight with their family and then the girls will go to school on Monday morning for their trip. My husband and I need to visit my elderly parents in another city and thought we could perhaps leave Sunday morning for this visit after we drop off our daughter at temple. We thought we could have our very trustworthy and sweet child care provider, pick our daughter up from temple and take our daughter to her friends home. Are we being insensitive or negligent to our daughter by not taking her ourselves to her friends home? (before she leaves for this trip). B' Shalom,
Answer: I think that if you spend good time with your daug...
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Category: Aggression
Question: Shalom,
I would like to attend this event but I'm having a difficult time finding the address:
The Shule of Harbor Islands
Hollywood, FL
Wednesday November 11, 2009
Would you please provide me with the address?
Thank you!
Answer: my pleasure-1022 washington street, next to the en...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie - Thank you so much for your very insightful and helpful book on "Raising a Child with Soul!" I do have one question: it has been very difficult for us to ensure that our 10th grade daughter use facebook and text messaging in an appropriate and responsible manner. The issues are time of usage (during homework time, etc.), inappropriate pictures, and inappropriate language. Do you have any suggestions? B'Shalom, Jerry
Answer: Years ago, parents knew so much more about their t...
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Category: Kid's Friendships
Question: Mrs. Jungreis-Wolff,
I'm an avid reader of your articles on aish.com and thought you may be able to help me. I've been married close to 5 years and my oldest daughter is 4. We recently moved to a new neighborhood and she has been meeting the girls her age. Our backyard neighbor has a daughter the same age and the two were playing together for the first few weeks after we moved in. I noticed a few things about the family that seemed strange and that the neighbor's daughter would say things I wouldn't want my daughter saying, and I decided to limit their interaction to in my house. Before this, my daughter had gone to their house once without me. A new neighbor moved in next door with a daughter who is 5 1/2 and she would spend time with both girls. When the 5 1/2 year old was here playing with my daughter, they were playing doctor. Doctor, I found out, is when little girls "check each other" and put their hands in a private place. I found some excuse for the 5 1/2 year old to go home and asked my daughter what was going on. She told me the other girl had touched her private place and that she had played this game before at our backyard neighbor's house. I did not want her to feel that her friends are bad, but I do think that 4 is young for such an introduction to her anatomy. I told her that only she is allowed to touch her private place and that if she wants to play doctor with dolls, that is fine. She got upset, though, and told me she likes to play. She also defended the girls, telling me they're her friends. I have limited her interaction with both girls since then and have noticed that each time they get together, doctor is the only game they want to play. Am I overreacting to a normal child game? I don't want my daughter to feel shame about her body at this age, but I also don't want her playing with these children. My daughter has gotten into the exploratory stage now and I'm not sure what to do. The more of an issue I make of it, the worse I feel it will be. Please advise. Thank you!
Answer: You are right to handle this issue and not ignore ...
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Category: Communication
Question: Dear Slovie, I have a question about parentental conflict/arguments and how it affects children. As a child of divorce, I have no measuring stick as to what is "normal" and what isn't. The idea of couple conflict still scares me sometimes and I worry that my three year-old son will be traumatized by fears of separation - as was I. My marriage situation is quite different though, because unlike my parents, my husband is extraordinarily committed to me and and to the concept of marriage, and generally speaking, we enjoy a healthy, happy relationship. We communicate a lot and sometimes disagree over issues. My husband comes from a family where disagreements are vehemently aired in front of whoever happens to be present (in the family). While this is completely normal for him, This is out of my comfort zone, but yet I find our conversations sometimes heading in that direction. Our arguments can be loud and intense but are never abusive - physically, mentally or emotionally.
Out of concern for our son's emotions, I often end up trying to stifle our conversation when it turns to disagreement, or "ssshhh" it until later, when we can speak more freely - which usually fustrates and angers my husband further. My husband feels that arguing openly is not a bad thing, as long as it's repectful, as it teaches children that parents are not perfect and disagree with each other and that as committed partners in marriage, we need to work through differences. But I know it upsets my son. I observe him acting silly, or talking loudly to himself or generally trying to divert our attention away from the argument. I try to point this out to my husband but he won't acknowledge it as fear or upset on our child's behalf... Rather, he sees me running from the issue. I think this is because he was never sensitized to this as I was. His parents are still together and still argue occasionally, but are actually quite happy.
I guess I am trying to find out if I am overly sensitive - or if I am on track - and if so, what I can do to communicate this to my husband... I don't want my little boy to be sad or worried, and I want to enjoy greater communication with my spouse.
PS-Am reading your book at the moment and loving it.
Many thanks,
Leah
Answer: Dear Leah,
You raise a most important point in ch...
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Category: Listening
Question: Hi Slovie, I loved and appreciated your book. My family is moving to a bigger home. We have four children and we live in a smallish, 3 bedroom ranch with no basement. While we could make due we are able to take advantage of the housing market and get a colonial with a basement. We are moving one mile away. My kids will go to the same day school. We chose a home so we can still walk to the main shul we attend as well as several others. While we will not be on the same street as my inlaws, who we are very close to, we will be able to walk to them on Shabbas. We have a 10 yr old, a 7 yr. old and a 5 yr. old girl, and a 1 yr. old son. My 7 yr. old is so upset about moving. Today she threw a fit, said she was going to unpack all the boxes. She says we don't need to move she doesn't want to etc. My husband is so patient and loving with her. I am not sure how to deal with her. I try to be understanding and talk about her feelings but it doesn't seem to help. Tonight I told her it hurt me when she said these things. (She blames me for selling the house and making us move) I am not sure if that is a good approach either. I told her she can't yell and scream. I asked her to set a good example for her other sibs. I tell her it will be allright and point out good things about the move, trying not to discredit her feelings. I talked to her about hakarat hatov. Also when I was 10 we moved cities and I changed schools and neighborhoods I was very resentful and carried that feeling for years. So that is my baggage.... I would appreciate any thoughts or input you might have.
Answer: You are moving to a beautiful and bigger home, whi...
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Category: Communication
Question: Hi,
I hope you can offer me some insight. I am a mother of two girls, one who is almost three and a baby who is 7 months. My question concerns my older daughter. She is an extremely sensitive, imaginative, communiactive girl and in general she has been doing well since the arrival of her little sister Chanukah time. But I notice signs which seem to indicate anxiety and insecurity in her. For one thing, she is very attached to her pacifier; she does well lately with putting it in her crib when i tell her it isnt "pacifier time," but still likes to have it whenever she is tired, overwhelmed, sad, etc. Also, she has always been a very tactile child but that doesnt necessarily mean she comes for a cuddle when we offer it (which we try to do whenver we sense she might need it). She prefers to retreat into herself, folding her arms and making a nervous sort of motion which obviously seems to soothe her, soft flicking/stroking with her two pointer fingers on her upper arms. She does this as she curls up to fall asleep every night, too.
She can be joyous and carefree, but when i see her "zoning out" this way, i feel worried. I cant help but think her eyes look so sad as she does this--although it could be "tired" or "overwhelmed" looks like "sad."... I feel guilty that maybe i am doing something wrong. I myself am extremely sensitive and prone to perfectionism and anger, which i work very hard to temper and soften. She is quite attached to me and we can have great times together, but of course there are times when, in the heat of the moment, i snap at her impatiently... and I worry that my type A personality is causing her deep underlying pain. My relationship with my husband is loving, respectful and close, and we enjoy our children very much. Do sporatic outbursts do deep damage? And does my daughter sound to you like there is anything to worry about? Should i push physical closeness--cuddles, etc--or simply respect her wish to pull away? And should i worry about it?
Readng over this, I realize I sound like a completely paranoid mother. I am a very conscientious person who thinks alot, and of course i want the best for my daughter. I dont live with all these doubts and worries plaguing me at all times, but there are times when they surface and I really feel like I need some direction.
Thank you so much for your time
M.
Answer: Dear M.,
All mothers worry at some time about the...
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Category: Listening
Question: I am a working mother in E'Y who has been blessed, Baruch Hashem with 4 small children under the age of 5. I want so badly to spend quality time with each of them so I can really get close to them and get to know what makes each one tick, have them feel close to me and trust me, and just have fun with each of them and do all the developmental things Parents are supposed to at the age appropriate times. How can I do this with so little time? Thanks
Answer: Even the fact that you are asking this question, s...
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Category: Communication
Question: I am in middle of reading your book and really enjoy it. Though I haven't finished the book yet I don't think it addresses my problem. I have spoken to many therapists, teachers, principals etc. but I still do not have the solution. What do I do if my 14 year old son is not interested in yiddishkeit? He does not enjoy or have feelings for learning, shabbos etc. I know he is extremely unhappy. Is there anything that you can suggest that can help us?
We are a frum family and our other children are not the same.
Answer: I appreciate your question. You have put your fing...
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Category: Aggression
Question: What are the meaning of the words;
Middos
Emunah
Answer: Middos-means character traits and Emunah means fai...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: Recently my five year old son (number two in the family) has been having some terrible tantrums. He literally explodes the second that something does not go his way. My husband and I are trying to understand what makes him feel this way - that anger and rage are the only way to respond to problems. We also want to know how to help him cope. I will sometimes remind him that "only when we speak calmly can Ima help you" and things like that. I will try and praise him when he has a calm response to something frustrating, but I feel like I am only scratching the surface.
Do you have any advice for us?
Thanks!
Answer: You seem to imply that this is a 'recent ' behavio...
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Category: Communication
Question: Wonderful letter on Aish.com
Answer: thank you for your feedback-it is much appreciated...
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Category: Challenges
Question: My eight-year-old grandson is considerably overweight, and I would like to help him overcome this problem. My daughter & her husband are b'nei Torah (my son-in-law is a high school rebbe) and the child is in a proper Torah environment.
The reason I wish to step in & help in this matter (with the permission & encouragement of the parents) is that they have not gone beyond simply telling him "No. You can't have that!" when he asks for seconds or for high-sugar snacks.
It is hard for an eight-year-old to understand the ramfifications of overeating, and though he knows his parents are refusing him permission to eat too much for "his own good" it probably still feels punitive to him. Other information: He is the midddle child in a family of five children (4 boys, one girl). He is a good athlete because he is strong & coordinated (loves baseball), but he knows his overweight prevents him from running fast.
We figure that sometimes a Bobbie can do what a parent cannot.
I have thought of offering him some kind of incentives to help him modify his eating behavior -- not rewarding weight loss (which may be slow and frustrating) as rewarding the right behaviours, making the right choices. But we are not sure how to implement this. Any thoughts?
Answer: Your grandson is fortunate to have a bubby so attu...
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Category: Discipline
Question: I had a baby girl about three months ago. My older daughter was twenty months at the time of the birth. At first the adjustment was very difficult, but it has become easier as time goes on. However, when things were still hard to juggle in the beginning, I would put on my wedding video for her to watch. Now, the computer itself has become an "outlet or safe place for her." We only show her things such as uncle moishy or marvelous middos machine but it has come to a point that she will have a terrible tantrum and cry if she doesn't get to watch it. She watches the computer for about an hour (or more!) a day! It has even come to the point where she will ask me to feed the baby so that she can watch it. And honeslty, it's much easier to put her in front of the computer when I nurse or have to cook for Shabbos. Is something wrong with showing her a video like that? How often should it be shown? I work from home and need the computer in my bedroom. I would love to get rid of it otherwise! What is a good balance for me? How should I approach it the situation when my daughter is only two! I'm nervous this will ruin things in the future and she will just want more. My husband is in Kollel and we are trying to build a Mikdash Meat. Any eitzah would be very much appreciated.
Answer: There is no doubt that coming home with a newborn ...
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Category: Self Esteem
Question: Slovie my 9 year old son has had a hard school year. He is a very gentle sensitive boy and a loyal friend.For some reason he has become the victim of two bullies. i wouldnt say that they are bullies more like its fun to make fun of a gemtler child who wold not hurt a fly.
i have two questions:1.i dont want to keep complaining about this to the teacher as i feel at some point the kids stop listening and then they really look at this kid as a victim and it become contagious. I need to help him to figure out strategies to cope himelf, do you agree? 2.How do i get my child to feel better about himself, increase his self esteem.I feel like now he excepts to be taesed and mocked.Should i take him eto professional to work on his self esteem and strategies?
Answer: Bullying can destroy a child's soul. Period. It is...
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Category: Communication
Question: I love your book! It has come to me at the perfect time. I have, for years, worked with children in various capacities and now find myself working in a small Episcopal Church with children and their families. When I read in your book about studying together, about th eclasses you teach, I can feel the tug in my soul to do the same: to support the families with whom I work by studying with them. I would love to know how and what you do, I would love to know more of how you support these families through your classes, and through whatever else you do. It seems to me that I could dedicate a good part of my life to doing the same thing.
Answer: i am so glad that you enjoyed my book!
You ask ab...
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Category: Communication
Question: Slovie
Do you have a DVD available on raising children?
Answer: Right now, the DVD's that are available can be fou...
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Category: Marriage
Question: B''H
After many years of trying to conceive, we were multiply blessed with twins - 2 girls - who will soon be 2 years old. The frustration and pain was very hard on my marriage. I recently found out that my husband of 13 years who was my rock and has been the center of my world is having an affair with a woman he knew in college.
I discovered this through his own confession; however, it was clear earlier that something was going on because of the disrespectful way he was speaking to me all of a sudden. I thought that it was the pressure of now being solely responsible for supporting th family (I was working outside the home before I got pregnant) added to the massive lay-offs that were happening at his company (he too got laid off - just as he told me about his adulteress).
In any case, how do I teach my daughters to value themselves and to want to marry when all this is unfolding in front of their young eyes? One minute Abba is singing Aishes Chayil to Ima and then he is calling his girlfriend to tell her he loves her. He is constantly berating me in front of them - to the point that he made my younger (by 2 minutes) daughter cry hysterically. He says he loves them and does not want to hurt them and wants to co-parent them. His behavior says otherwise. I cannot let him make them feel bad or afraid of growing into the beautiful women that they can and will be (if I can help it). Do you have any advice?
Answer: I am so sorry for all the emotional turmoil you mu...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie,
I have just begun to read your book. I'm in the midst of Chapter 2. I am raising three wonderful children (almost 12, 10.5 and almost 7). They have all be educated in a Chabad Day School. Two of them have an excellent relationship with Hashem. They draw upon this connection when times are difficult for them. My middle child, however, has been very angry with Hashem since her grandmother passed away almost 6 years ago. While she was in Kindergarten she broke down in tears one day that Hashem didn't care that she was doing all these mitzvot, and Moshiach was not coming, and her savta was not coming back. Despite guidance from various sources, she continue to hold this grudge. My eldest Bat Mitzvah, G-d willing, will be next month. This is creating stress and tension for my middle one. She is having a difficult time putting together how her sister can be so much looking forward to become a Bat Mitzvah when she is so torn about her relationship with Hashem. Noone have given me any suggestions that either make sense to me or to her. I look forward to hearing your thoughts,
L.
Answer: Dear L.,
It is difficult for me to hear that a li...
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Category: Spirituality
Question: Hi Slovie,
I just want to thank you so very much for sharing your wisdom and deep understanding of how important it is to raise our children with soul. I must admit I was neither raised religious nor do I plan on raising my children religious. However, I do believe in the foundation of everything you talk about in your book. I have also come to hear you speak in Brookville twice and look forward to hearing you speak with your mother on June 9th. I wanted to tell you two events that occurred recently in which I was truly excited to be able to implement the different ways you have taught me to raise my children.
The first was when my husband and I took our two boys (ages 2 1/2 and 4 1/2) to visit my parents in Florida. From the moment they entered my parents apartment they were running around like wild little boys would. A gentleman that resides below my parents called up from his apartment and explained that the boys running was bothersome to his wife who was feeling quite ill. Therefore, we explained to the boys how important it was for them to keep it down and not run within the apartment. Yet, I still felt this was a wonderful opportunity to encourage compassion from my children for this unwell woman whom they have never met. We decided that they would draw her pictures and we wrote a note together to wish her well. My older son even asked if he could give her his matchbox car. They felt so good about what they did and continued to ask about the lady who lived below Nana and Baba.
In another circumstance, we were at an ice cream store when my older son was playing with some mugs displayed ona rack. Although I had told him not to touch anything in the store, inevitably he knocked one of the mugs onto the floor by accident and it broke. The store was mobbed and I could have easily scolded him and brushed the mug to the side. Rather, I decided that my son should be honest and admit his mistake to the cashier. I was so proud of him when he told the cashier that he broke the mug and he felt good about himself that he told the truth as well.
Part of me wishes the I could feel more religious but unfortunately the people in my life whom I consider religious are not such great examples. It has therefore, kind of turned me off the becoming more observant.
I do look forward to eharing you speak again and truly appreciate the amazing advice you have shared with me.
Yours truly,
M.
Answer: Dear M.,
What an incredible email! you have reall...
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Category: Spirituality
Question: Dear Slovie, My problem is a big one and involves my spirituality and beliefs and my relationship with my husband. Our daughter is going to a Conservative Jewish Day School and she loves it. She's doing so well and learning hebrew beuatifully as well as her Judaic Studies. The problem is that my husband feels that if she continues to go to Day School she will be different and not be able to blend in with other groups of people. He thinks that all she'll know are Jewish songs, have Jewish friends and not be part of the mainstream. I have the opposite feeling and I tell him that he just has to believe in the community. He wasn't raised in this type of environment and tells me that it's not who he is. This kills me inside because I think it's the best gift to give our children and they love it. It has gotten to the point where he wants to pull her out of school and put her in public school. I love my husband and he is a very smart man but we don't share the same religious beliefs. One of us is going to have to give in. I think our kids will not have the same neshama without Jewish Day School. How can I convince my husband to take a leap of faith and stop questioning religion?
Answer: I understand the conflict and how difficult this m...
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Category: Communication
Question: Can a child be talked by three different languages since he's born? Will the child take more time before talking? can the people talking change their language or they must speak with one language (ex. the one talkking to the child in english mustn't speak to him in french and the person talking in french mustn't talk to him in english)?
Answer: Though this is not a question that I usually deal ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Slovie i have a 8 year old VERY GENTLE SENSITIVE boy.He is finding it hard to be that in a male school and has four brothers no sisters.He was a very confident popular boy.About two years ago he became very sad and then very miserable.VEry pessimistic , scared i would die, husband would die,scared about all bad things.
He is a miserable child, he las lost his spark, having trouble with friends.No confidence, thinks the kids dont like him.Thinks no-one likes him.
i have taken him to doctors, naturopaths, energy healers,and social workers.
he is slightly better but it breaks my heart to see the change and i am so frustrated.
I think he sees a world which is harsh and tough and its to much for him.
He is very bright and talented but feels hopellss.
Please can you help with any suggestions!!
THX so much
Answer: I understand that you have taken your son for help...
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Category: Marriage
Question: Dear Slovie,
I have heard you speak in the past, and feel that your opinion is certainly worth seeking.
Please help me out!!
I am a teacher, wife, and mother. I met my husband when I was a teenager and was married at 21. Throughout our dating, it was clear that he had "issues" with orthodoxy and eventually it culminated with a breakup, which at the time seemed permanent, but was resolved when he called me and vowed his commitment to Yiddishkeit. At the time he said that he was "not quite there yet, but was headed there, and ready to lead a torah observant life."
We were married, and to make a long story short, our marriage has been an ongoing struggle due to his issues in the faith department. He seems to vacillate between having faith and believing in G-d, and having fundamental issues of faith. I have two (among many) problems: 1- He goes through periods of time where he responds to our chidren's comments and questions about issues related to Judaism, with answers that would leave a child shakey about the basics. I become enfuriated when he does this and find it difficult to deal with. I feel as though my efforts to raise children to believe in Hashem and the torah are being undermined.
2- I find it so difficult to feel emotionally (or otherwise) initimate with a man who has such a lack of emunah and no real fundamental belief system. (He often takes books out of the library that have a title similar to "Is there a god?- the scientific answer" ) Sometimes I feel that I would be better off alone??
I would truly appreciate your perspective, as it is difficult to remain objective about something that is so emotional.
Thank You, thank you
Answer: My dear friend,
I can hear the pain and struggle ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: I bought and read your book and plan to pass it to my married children. I found the names of 4 of your children in the book and your mother also raised 4. It appears to me as the mother of BH 6, that it is very difficult to raise larger families. Now, I wished that I had given birth to more (actually I had but one didn't live long) but it is a big challenge to raise very large families. Today it is becoming even harder due to the recession to give a Torah education to these children. I have seen blogs where people are questioning whether or not Jewish families should be so large, especially when they must rely on tzedukah and government aid. Now I realize that some large pre-holocaust families were decimated but one or two survived to carry the family lineage so we can't underestimate the value of each child. Still, we see many troubles and issues in frum families today and it may be hard for parents raising large families to spend the time on each child. There are those parents who can and do succeed and others who are not cut out for the task. The question is, should frum families consider birth control after several children are born?
Answer: If you are asking me a question for the view of 'h...
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Category: Marriage
Question: I feel that my husband and I aren't able to cooperatively raise our children. He's willing to implement the things that are important to him. The things that aren't important to him (those that are important to me, teachers, and other professional recommendations- OTs, speech language therapists, psychologists, learning specialists) he says, it's fine, we should do it, but he won't back me and them up or implement the plans. What can I do about this? When I try to implement these things myself, they tend to get "sabotaged" along the way. For example, he'll help the kids finish the "homework" they have (meaning studying for tests the next day and finishing projects due the next day) but not work on the "daily work" recommended by the teachers, then say - OK let's go bowling - oh, let's just make sure it's ok with Mom. What choice do I have in this situation? When I discuss it with him, he takes it as criticism and won't work together cooperatively with me. PLEASE KEEP THE NAME and e-mail confidential. Thanks
Answer: You are correct-husbands and wives need to be on t...
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Category: Relationships
Question: B"H
Dear Slovie,
My husband and I are actually in the midst of a judicial action in order to get an order of protection against our only child, a son in his late thirties,who is suffering from emotional problems for which he refuses help. One court appointed attorney already asked to be removed from his case because of his conduct. I have paid my entire salary for the last few months to our attorney, and now have lost my job. At one point, our son threatened to post a defammatory blog on the internet, if we didn't drop the case. Our attorney offered a settlement but he refused. Today by chance, I found the horrific, slanderous blog which he had posted on the internet even before he threatened to do so if we didn't drop the case. The timing was such that I believe it was seen by my employer and contributed to my loss of a new job at which I made a real contribution. I have organized a machsom l'pi and am reading the Chofetz Chaim, but do not know how my husband and I can protect ourselves spiritually ,socially and financially from what our son has done. I daven and give tzedaka, and believe that these terrible tzuras are a wakeup call from HaShem, but I feel that it will cost our health and livelihood. My husband was in the hospital last week, and I am at my wit's end. What is there to do in a practical and spiritual way. I feel that we are being attacked from all sides. Can you recomend a prayer? I also recite Tehilim, but an losing hope.
Thank you,
H.Grinspan
Answer: Dear H.,
No doubt, one of the greatest pains that...
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Category: Communication
Question: dear Slovie,
Hi, I'm actually not a parent, I am a 19 year old daughter. But I have a question concerning my parents. Over the last four months my chosson's family and mine have fought to no end over every problem possible, all stemming from financial disputes. We are still not officially engaged, but we are still together. At one point during this long process, my parents completely rejected the shidduch, and I left my house and family for his family. B'H within two weeks my parents were back on board. However a few weeks later his parents decided they don't like my parents so much that they will never approve of our marriage. My boy told his parents in a respectful way that he is sorry but he loves me very much and will marry me no matter what, following advice of his Rebbe. Two days later my parents called him and yelled,screamed, and humiliated him for not proposing to me yet and for putting me through so much pain, when we could have easily been married by now. He feels so alone now. He left his parents and family for mine, i promised him my parents would always be there for emotional support, but now he feels like he has nothing.
how do i even begin to heal the pain?
What do i do to get my parents to open up their arms and welcome him? they used to love him. they bragged about us around town. They were so excited for the upcoming simcha. everyone was. now all there is is hatred and ill feeling.
help!
Answer: Dear T.,
I understand that you are going through ...
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Category: Chutzpah
Question: Dear Slovie
I started to have problems with my married children.my oldest daughter has become so unbearably chutzpedik to me for 2 years ,in the end even if we spoke our pain ,i dont trust anymore since she still does things out the family context.i always worry she will attack me again.what should i do to regain the amazing family atmosphere we used to have?
rosa
Answer: I understand your worry, but listen, please, to th...
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Category: Spirituality
Question: Dear Slovie, I am new to your website and not raised Jewish. We live in Lawton, OK with no synagogue around for miles. I have 4 children ages 30, 28, 9 and 6; also 5 grandchildren under the age of 9. What books do you recommend for teaching Torah to the younger kids? I have a couple of "The Midrash Says" and a few books on celebrating the holidays, but I want to teach them more than just the stories, I want to teach Talmudic values and deep concepts of our faith along with the stories in a way they will understand. Things like our senses: G-d has given us eyes, ears and a nose and we can't always control what input they get, but G-d has given us two gates on our tongue our teeth and our lips to help us control when and how we use our words. Is this making sense? I would also like to find books on Bible heroes like Daniel. I've bought books online, but have been disappointed with the contents.
Thanks for your help!
Elizabeth
Answer: Dear Elizabeth,
Of course it makes sense, we are ...
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Category: Self Esteem
Question: I am a mother of a 30 year old single dauther.Tall, pretty, gelungen Bais Yaakov type girl who cannot make up her mind about sheduchim This boy is "i don't know", that one "is not what I had in mind" a third one "I just don't "feel" anything. I strongly feel her self-esteem is low and she will not "allow"herself to get involved. Twice she came close to getting engaged but then backed out with the above reasons.
Of course you cannot "push" a 30-year old into anything, I don't mean "just anything" but it is heartbreaking to see her siblings married and with families and Raizy just....
Where can I (she)turn for guidance and chizuk to recalculate priorities so she does not push away prospects that are really quite good. She recently made a comment "well, not everyone gets married". We can't let this feeling grow.
Hoping to hear from you,
Malka
Answer: Dear M.,
You are right to be concerned about help...
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Category: Sibling Rivalry
Question: BS"D
Dear Slovie;
I hope you can help i have 3 children B"H, one girl almost 5 years old (in two weeks), another girl 3 years old, a baby boy 3 months. The girls are great with him , mostly they figth between them. Now the oldest one whines a lot, and i mean a lot she automaticly ask for things whining, second when she cries or want things like this morning she wanted some books i was hiding for treat, she saw them and was wining and being upset ccuz i didnt want to give to her i explained her that is for especial ocasions etc, she wouldnt hear is like she blockes herself ( not in a nice way or when i lose it )and 1 thing brings to the next, then she dosent want to get dressed or brushed her teeth, then we start a war in the morning just to get her out of the house for school , lately she gets late for the past to weeks, she starts at 9 am sometimes we get to school at 10am, supper late.
The little one learns form her so basicly if is not one is the other. I dont know what to do with the baby is being so hard to stick to a schedule and with them playing around with me, is obvious we doing something wrong or many things wrong i dont know were to start and what to do, if she is looking for attention i do give her is never enough, i bring her friends over and still dosent help, i give her shoko before being ready thinking they are hungry after they still do it, i hate loosing my temper screamming (just to start). PLease HELPPPP what should i do.
Thanks so much.
HAPPY HANUKA
Flora
Answer: Dear Flora,
It sounds like you have your hands fu...
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Category: Aggression
Question: please email me, when you will be lecturing again in the nassau region. thank you. my biggest problem in my life, is my 11 year old daughter, i feel she does not give me the respect i deserve as her mother, she is constantly hurting my feelings, with her words and actions, and she knows it, because i let her know. i am in a total loss, because i feel i am failing as a mother. i am a !2 year yeshiva girl, with high high expectations in regard to respect, not sure how to achieve it. please help!!!
Answer: I have a monthly program in Brookville, L.I. and i...
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Category: Spirituality
Question: What is your religious denomination? Jewish? Christian?
Answer: i am jewish, the daughter of generations of great ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: I have a 3.5 year old son who is going to Yeshiva and we are raising frum. My husband has a 24 year old son from a previous marriage who is not frum. My son looks up to his older brother because he is funny, and strong and works out (has big muscles), and wrestles with him and gives him lot of attention and love. Yet the other day when I was getting my son dressed for shul and told him to come get his keepa on, he said, "Josh doesn't wear keepa and tzit tzit and he doesnt wear Shabbos clothes." I didnt even realize that he noticed! I was shocked and knew it would come up at some point. I wanted to say that Josh doesnt believe in Hashem, but wasnt sure if that was the right response because then he knows there is an option not to believe in Hashem or to question Hashem or Hashem's existence. So I made up something about Josh's clothes being all dirty but I know it will come up again and not only about the clothes, but about Josh driving on Shabbos, talking on his cell phone on Shabbos (even if he does go outside you still can hear him), not eating Kosher (not in the house, but for example we went to DisneyLand and I brought food for us, but Josh went into a coffe shop and bought a sandwich etc. I also have a 2 year old daughter who will catch wind of this soon enough too. I've had some Shalom Bayis issues with my husband over it. The first time Josh answered his cell phone on Shabbos and I asked him to go outside he had a fit and stormed out and said I made him feel unwelcome in his fathers house and that I was putting a barrier between him and his father and that I couldnt tell him what to do. We didn't speak for a few months, but I explained to him that he has to repsect the Shabbos when he is in our house (he doesnt live with us, he has his own apartment) and that when he is in his own home he can do whatever he likes. My husband I know is very saddened by the whole thing and did his best to raise Josh frum and sent him to Yeshiva etc. They fought a lot and the Rabbis told him to just love him and hug him and daven that he comes around. But in the meantime he is totally off the derech and my husband asked me to just tolerate him and love him like he was my own son and not to drive him away with any disapprovals. But now that I see it affecting my children I am not sure how to handle things. Josh is coming to stay with us for 8 days over Thanksgiving and Josh will not be going to shul etc. I'm sure my son will talk about it again - what is your advice and Thank You in advance for your time and effort - Regards - concerned mom
Answer: Dear concerned mom,
Blended families bring their ...
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Category: Fighting
Question: my 3 older children, 5,5 and 4 have started hitting, pushing, kicking each other. not very aggressive but still. i've given them time outs and spoken very firmly about how this is not allowed ever in our family but it still happens. the hitting might be a gentle touch that they are calling hit but they are putting their hands on each other. i am an only child so im not used to this. is their an aspect of this thats normal? or should i get even more serious about this? is so, how? what?
Answer: You ask a question that many parents ask: is this ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie,
I wanted to thank you for answering my question that I wrote on 12/2/2007 about my abusive relationship and what to do to help my boys. I never received an e-mail so I thought you did not answer me. I just checked last week and saw that you did respond and I am happy to see that one parent can make a difference. I had two good parents growing up so I was very concerned. I was recently granted primary physical custody after a long court battle that is not over. I will get your book on self esteem for my boys. My ex-husband is still being abusive(we have a no-contact order) and refuses to give me a GET. I am working with Kayama but do you have any other sources to help since my ex-husband will always refuse to give this to me. It is very concerning that the blame is put on me and I can not marry someone more religious because of abuse of a ex-spouse.
I live in SW VA and have been in contact with the Chabbad Rabbi also at Virginia Tech as well as my own Rabbi.
Thanks again,
Hannah
Answer: Dear Susan,
First, I am glad that you did see my ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Dear Slovie
My problem is : I am coming from a wonderfull and very observing familly and I have a brother that use to live in Israel where he got married and had 3 nice kids , 2 sons and a very nice daughter however his wife althought Jewish was not really observant and made his life miserable. And to tell you the truth he was not easy himself , very violent man used to take drugs . One day they decided to move to Montreal where we use to live but she did not like Montreal at all and after one year decided to take the kids back to Israel and just left. So that really destroyed him because with all his defects he use to care very much for his kids. They never missed anything my parents and I used to support them financially so they will never suffer because of their lousy parents. After 18 months alone in Israel they were not yet divorced she took a boy friend and brought him home to live with her and the kids and that really finished him.
I am telling a bit of a background story so you can understand the whole picture. Finally after 2 years in this situation they decided to divorce and we decided regardless to continue taking care of the kids.
Now my real question begins, during the period where she was with her boy friend he met a chinese girl and made her a baby girl , but for us as a religious Jewish familly we totally refused both of them the kid and my brother too so during 4 years out of a vengeance he also decided to ignore his own jewish kids and neven even call them we had to fight with him just to make him call but we as a good familly we provided the kids with a home and a monthly pension so they would never be missing anything.
My question is as a familly how are we supposed to consider this chinese daughter of his she is not converted and he is not even married to the mother and she is always the subject of huge fights between us and my brother. He always trest us of racists telling us that he is a human being before being a Jew extc...
And of course we always hiden that story from his kids that we dearly love.
Finally this past month of April 2008 we made Alyah to Israel so to be closer to the children .
This situation is really making our lives miserable and sometime we consider telling him that he could convert the kid but her mother of course refuses.
Please tell us really how should we behave in this situation.
Thank you so much and regards
Joseph HAZAN
Ashdod Israel
Answer: Dear J.,
You have undertaken quite a great respon...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Shalom Aleichem Slovie and how are you...?
Thank you for this forum to relay questions about all aspects of Judaism- Yasher Koach!
My question is in regards to teshuvah. Many Rabbaim today talk about the concept of "Ikvah D'Meshicha" and how teshuva and shmiras halashon are crucial to those who will ultimately be redeemed and zoche to spiritual rewards. The term "awakening" has also been used to refer to those yidden who will be awakened to return, on their own, back to Hashem; through greater adherence to mitzvos and Torah observance as well as a return to the chiyuv of yishuv haaretz. This has been obvious through the tireless efforts of organizations such as Hineni, Aish Hatorah, etc. who have dedicated their missions to bringing our brothers and sisters back into the arms of Hashem, as well as the success of Nefesh B'Nefesh with their mission of Kibbutz Galiyos (may I comment that it is no coincidence that Rabbi Yehoshua Fass, cofounder of NBN, and Yehoshua ben Nun share the same name and the same mission...). Another term, "asleep" has referred to a majority of yidden who will not return to Hashem, neither voluntarily nor by heeding attempts of emunas chachamim. Of these it has been said that they need to be awakened in order to merit redemption. How? How do you persuade a loved one who has no inclination to improve one's ways? How do you open the eyes of a loved one to all the beauty that the Torah has to offer when they obstinately cling to an American 80's pop culture of garbage? What if I said that Hashem even tried to bring this person back with a life threatening, near death experience, that made no significant impact or impression in any shape matter or form? Do I continue to daven, take on mishmeres time slots, ask others to daven at the kotel, seek brachos, etc. for another hopeless year for this person...? I can't give up on this person, but after so many years I feel as I am challilah wasting my time, tears, and tefillos for someone who just does not want to be saved and worse, does not want to believe.
thank you for your time, effort, and concern in this matter... tizku t'mitzvos...
"marineparkimma"
Answer: You speak with obvious pain about a loved one who ...
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Category: Spirituality
Question: Whould have Ha Shem forgiven Adam/Eve is they came clean with their disobedience? Would mankinds direction gone another way ?
I love listening to your wisdom,Shalom.
Answer: What a deep question! It is impossible to know the...
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Category: Communication
Question: I recently came to hear you speak. I enjoyed the hour thoroughly and can't wait to hear your thoughts and perspectives on many more things. I write a lifestyle blog where I recently wrote about the reality of being judged which I would love you to read, "Judgment Day" at http://www.thevuvclub.com.
My experience that day helped me to express my frustration at the parents on the sports sidelines who i think will never find balance between encouraging and protecting our children and helping them have a reality base. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
Answer: I am so glad to hear that you enjoyed the class an...
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Category: Respect
Question: Shalom...
I am excited to come across your site and your new book coming out. I look forward to reading it and think I will suggest my dear friend who also has a heart to learn such things study through it with me. My question or situation is this. I am blessed to have a son (17) and a daughter (12). We are a household who upholds Torah and my husband and I both seek to raise our children as such, in action, our words and deeds. We live in an area with very very little Jewish poplulation, no synoguge (though a few of us meet in homes on Shabbat and Feasts) and there are very few obserant kids their age for them to be with. It seems that there is very little "good peer presure" for my kids to be around, and to give a good peer support to our guidance for our kids. (I say this because if all friends are secular then what mom and dd are teaching veing so different in atitude and deed, we become "dumb" and something to rebel against it seems.) My son in the past 2 years has become very very disobeient, mouthy, disrespectful, abusive with words (and his hands too against me, of which we reported him). We found out he was using drugs and put him in rehab, yet 3 weeks after getting out of a very long program, he was caught smoking pot again. He refuses to listen to instruction 75% of the time, telling us what he will or will not do. Telling us how to speak to him (even is if it is an instruction given in a calm yet firm tone -- because he just told us he wont do the instruction.) He tells us how we have no right to tell him how to behave because he has his rights as a human and does not have to take our instruction (and we are talking on little things, like not allowing him to sleep until 1 in the afternoon... it is not as if we are forcing him up at 6 a.m. to work in the fields for 18 hours and denying him food unless he does!) He also argues or drags his feet in doing any small thing we ask. An example is we are moving and he was asked to pack up his room and is very exaserbated that we are upset that it has taken him more than 2 days to do so, when the rest of the family has packed up almost the entire home in the same time. I am not only concerned in how to handle him any farther but also we are VERY concerned about how his behavior influances my daughter and how the chaos he creates on even the simplest of matters effects her emotionally... it is very stressful.
Thanks for your help!
Answer: It must be very hard for you to have raised your c...
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Category: Relationships
Question: My wife and I are conservadox, very respectful of our religious tradition as my parents were survivors from Poland. My son(18) has become very religious over the last 3 years-and is a Chabad follower. It is very distressing for his parents and brother as he is a devout follower of chabad-beard, black hat etc. It is distressing that he won't compromise ie shave.I am also terribly worried about him as he does not think for himself anymore and is under the Chabad spell-what can I do? he will not listen to me as he feels the torah is on his side
Answer: I understand that this is a most delicate situatio...
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Category: Communication
Question: Dear Slovie,
First of all, I would like to thank you for your very helpful and informative website. My husband and I are not Jewish, but the Torah wisdom you possess speaks to me. My question is this. As the mother of a 6-year-old son, I have noticed the power of words to build up or destroy. If I am not mistaken, Judaism has the concept of "lashon hara" and according to my Jewish friends, one of the marks of a good, mature person is that he avoids evil speech at all costs. Please tell me, can you suggest any guidelines for rearing my son to be the kind of person whose words build up rather than destroy? Thanks very much in advance for your help.
Answer: Thank you for your kind words and what a very wond...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi:
I wear and want my son (age 3) to wear tsitsis, but my non-baal tshuvah wife does not. She "lets" me put them on him for shul on Sahbbos.
Any suggestions?
Thank you
Answer: I think that the issue is much greater than tzizis...
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Category: Relationships
Question: I am a 30 year old woman whose mother has become Ba'al Teshuva upon her third marriage, ten years ago. My brothers and I were raised in a reconstructionist synagogue. I am unmarried and recently relocated back to where my family lives on the East Coast from San Francisco so that I could be more a part of the family. I have only ever seriously dated one Jewish man, although I have tried JDate, JMatch, synagogue young adult groups and well intentioned fix-ups for many years. Upon moving back to Maryland, there were a series of unfortunate events that led me to meet a very nice, non-Jewish, man who helped to protect my house from further break-ins, gave me a safe place to take my dogs for walks (I was living in Baltimore City near the infamous Patterson Park), and loving support which helped me to get over losing my fiance (also not Jewish), my job, my friends and generally most of the life that I had created for myself that had fallen to pieces. This man and I became romantically involved and while we had no plans of getting married, we moved in together and began enjoying life as a couple. My mother was displeased to begin with. She compared him to my former fiance, who "at least was willing to convert", although it had become clear to me that his willingness to convert was simply language in order to win the favor of my mother, while all the books that she and her husband lent him ended up stuffed under my sofa cushions. Things only got worse recently when I found out that I was pregnant. My mother became very vocal about her feelings, and none of them were positive. I understood that she was surprised and that her expectations of me were changed, but her words to me were cruel and harsh. She began by telling me that I had no morals or values. She continued by informing me that I was a complete disappointment to her. She is furious that I don't want to marry this man, and that I am going to have the baby. She won't speak to me. There were some nasty emails that passed back and forth, and while I've been told that hormones make pregnant women do things they wouldn't normally do, I feel terrible about the things I've said. But while I want to apologize to her and make things all better, she is unrelenting in her anger, although she hasn't spoken to me in more than 3 weeks now, so I can only assume this. She has ultimate respect for the Rebbetzin, she even gave up therapy because the Rebbetzin told her to let go of the past and only think of the future....But her future is going to be so lonely, because she doesn't have anyone with outside perspective to help guide her through things like this. My brother married a non-Jewish girl a few years back, this displeased my mother and she told him as much, in the same fashion she spoke to me, I'm sure. His response to her was to threaten her with his future children and she "whipped into shape". I don't want to do that, but I also don't want my child to grow up sensing the tension between my mother and me, nor do I want my child to grow up without a safta. I don't know how to make our relationship better without sacrificing my dignity/sanity/rationality. And I don't know how to live without my mother. She has requested that I not tell her anything that is negative or painful, but I don't know how to have her as my mother without being able to tell her the truth on a day-to-day basis. Can our relationship be saved?
Answer: You are going through so much and this is a most c...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: B"H
Hi I am a single mother of 4 with a daughter who is 7 a twin girl and out of control some of the time. It is very randon but recently getting worse. She will flip out and then be fine soon after. I was diagnosed with bypolar and thank G-D since I have had children I feel very good. It lifted my depression and everything. I am very worried for this child. I don't want to put her in therepy andput her on meds. My Rebbitzen thinks I need to learn the tools to better help the situation. I love her so much and want to do whats best for her.
Answer: Of course you love your child and want to do what'...
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Category: Challenges
Question: hi,
i was raised orthodox, my husband, with nothing Jewish,he was robbed of his heritage, as they are left wing liberals, we are to the right. We send our boys to yeshiva,not an option. I am a NYC teacher, he has an MBA and law degree. He has been downsized and has only had some legal temp jobs here and there. I am so mad, so angry at our situation, we live so modestly, pay what we can in tuition, never,ever travel or remodel, nothing, only live for them,how could Hashem want us to struggle, I want to give so much tzedakah and pay bills, but he has been cursed as he is unemployed a year, and looking 24-7 for jobs,I willl never understand how evil people do well and all he wants is a job and to work hard for parnassa,We are 53, and these younger kids are making tons of money and he is not being hired, I am sooo angry and sad and do not get that Hashem would not intervene and let us be on the street, it is not like he has no education. Our boys are 18,16,11(i suffered stillbirths) and one years old,and it is so painful to watch them notice there dad in this situation, how can I lessen my anger, my rage at this horrilbe situation, I am losing faith, I have tried to be full of faiath, but I am exhaused.Help!
Answer: Dear Exhausted,
You are so tired, so sad and down...
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Category: Marriage
Question: Shalom Slovie:
It's (from your parenting class). and I miss coming to your monthly classes and can't wait until they start up again. Do you have a date for that?
The reason I am writing to you is to seek advice from you as it relates to my husband and me. Of course, it's personal but I know you've heard it all. You see, we have been having difficulties lately and actually seeing a therapist because I'm feeling my needs for intimacy are not being met. I'm not talking about sexually. I'm talking about as a woman who needs affection and cherishing. My husband is a wonderful, funny, loyal, hard-working man and is an excellent father. I find, however, that he is so consumed by work (which we have a shared contribution to - that I mentioned to you) that it comes first, the kids come second and I feel many times that I come last. Of course, he loves me and I know it. I just don't always feel it. I've told him so specifically what my needs are and even now in therapy, we've discussed it very specifically but I just don't see an effort on his part to show me love in "my language." He shows love by deeds and I need it more in affection and verbal acknowledgement. I don't really understand what the resistance is and therapy hasn't seemed to unlock it. The real crux for me is that he IS an affectionate person - he shows a lot of affection to our children (even our dog) but somehow, not for me. I feel that I've been so patient and have put my needs aside but I can't do it any longer. He's made his needs known, too (shalom bayit, a clean home, good time management, etc.) and I feel I've made a real effort. I just don't see a lot of reciprocity and it makes me sad. I know that in your couples class you talked about 'ahava' being an unconditional thing and I have my days where I can really be in that place, but sometimes I can't because I'm a person who understands the fragility of life and how important it is to love and be loved every day. I'm still willing to give the therapy a chance (we've probably gone about a dozen times) but there are avenues I'm sure I haven't yet explored and I'm still
Answer: hi! it was so good to hear from you! I took out a...
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Category: Relationships
Question: We all know that man is responsible for his/her actions. can you tell me more?
Answer: Our sages teach us that 'everything is in the hand...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi Slovie!I`m an 8 month mother, who works at morning; & leaves my baby at kindergarden. she is really intelligent and every day surprises me with new things, but real probleam are when she needs to sleep. I`m still breast feeding her, so sometimes she gets up 3 or 4 times per night, and can be awoke for about an hour and a half; my husband is really not resting well because of this and neither do I. This also repeats during the day, and I dont know if I have to let her cry in heer cribb or waht to do. thank you for your help!
Answer: A parent, (working or not), without sleep is one w...
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Category: Relationships
Question: dear Slovie
we have always been close to our married son and his wife. they live nearby they have been married for 10 years. we are always there for him and his wife. in fact it is very rare that her side is asked anything.it is true that my daughter in law's mother has remarried after a nasty divorce. my daughter in law grew up with her father's family and is close to her uncle and aunt. the siblings were split and her sisters grew with her mother.I was even present for the birth of one of the grand chilfren . she calls me Ima and my husband Abba,she talks to me just about anything and everything.however, slowly as time goes on I am seeing a patern that is not very pleasant. my son talks in a derogative way about his sisters. whenever one of my daughters comes with her family to spend shabbos with us there is a strain in the relationship, something that was not there before my son's marriage. the conversation at the table is not relaxed .my son nor his wife never make it a point to call any of my daughters at any time.it is through me that they hear about the rest of the family. i noticed that when my other married son comes for shabbos , my daughter in law makes a point to visit. my son's shiduch was made by one of my daughters and my daughter's in law sister.they were in the same class throughout high school.even with this sister relations are strained. lately ,my daughter in law has not been respectful towards us. she has been making comments about us right in front of us. once I said something back to both of them in a light way so not to cause a fight. understandably our relationship with our son is starting to show signs of strain.my son has had a promotion at work so they will be moving away . they are asking us for help with the grand chilfren and what not but their behavior is the same.my hausband is very upset with my son and is desapointed . I would like to talk to my son about all this business but I am not sure if I should and also if I do I do not want to be the reason nor the cause for a fight between the couple specially at this time she is pregnant and also with the moving etc. we brought up our children and taught them to have derech eretz among themselves and to others. that family comes first . I am terribly afraid where this is going to lead to. in fact very often she would ay to me "you have brought up your son very well".. my husband is a very learned man , he is a rabbi . we are sefardic moroccans. my daughter in law comes from a litvish back ground. she does not seem to have too much kavod for her parents and we have asked her to stop talking in a derogative way about them or her siblings .my son should know better since he did not grow up this way ,unfortunatly the oposit is happening. even though they will be away but if anything it will only feed this kind of attitude . I do not want to see my family split apart.I would very much appreciate an answer as soon as possible as I see things but keep quiet . I did not even share my thoughts with my husband just so not to make a big deal about it. and neither has he for the same reason but we are hurting very much thank you
Answer: What terrible pain you must be feeling!A mother's ...
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Category: Kid's Friendships
Question: Hi Slovie,
My ten year old son learned today that his best friend since he was 3 has been taking him for granted and hurt his feeling terribly. He always knew that this particular friend has an unnatural obsession with another friend, but up until now it never bothered him. Today, he was at the playground and his best friend didn't even acknowledge him. He said to me " Mommy not only did I not feel like his friend, he made me feel like I wasn't even a person."
My heart was totally broken for him. He is sensitive and always looked to this child as security but it is not reciprical. I told him that he has so many other friends that would love to spend time with him and he will miss out. He said I'm so angry that he treated me like that, that he is not even my friend. I said that he was his friend but he needed to teach this friend that he will not take this from him. How should he teach him without looking too sensitive. There are going to be many people in his life who behave like this and that is why they are friends. Family is forever and would never treat him like that.
I was also tempted to tell the mother who is my friend that my sons feelings were hurt but I had second thoughts. What do you think?
Answer: First, I'd like to acknowledge your hurt as a mom....
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Category: Respect
Question: hi Slovie
can you please give an explanation of what middot are.
thaks!
Answer: sure! 'middot' means character. It literally means...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: Hi Slovie,
I really have missed your classes and advice. I plan on being at the next class but I really need your help now.
My daughter XXX is such a sweet person but she cries about everything and it's really getting on my nerves. I've snapped at her and said things I'm not proud of. Basicaly I'm losing my patience instead of teaching her lessons and helping her out of this stage.
The crying is usually from saying no or if I say it's bedtime etc. She does not care where she is, who she is front of, if she wants something and the answer is no she will cry until she gets it.
For example today we were having lunch at XXX for mothers day before my sons soccer game, and she cried at least 4 times during that lunch. My lunch was ruined, I was stressed out and it was in front of so many people I guess I was embarrassed too. Seth had gotten her a cookie and when we got back to the table she wanted what my son had. He said no but then decided to share with her and she only wanted a new one. XXX said no and she went nuts. By this time I grabbed her and put her in the car with screaming and crying. We are now home, she is on her bed sitting quietly and I'm missing my sons game. I just felt like she had to be taken home. What I'm not proud of was the car ride home where I screamed, called her names etc. How do I deal with her so that I may avoid losing my temper like this. I really need to teach her that this is unacceptable behavior but I'm stuck. Let me know. Happy Mothers day to you. Thanks, XXX
Answer: Dear M.,
I've missed you at class but until the n...
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Category: Listening
Question: Dear Slovie,
My husband and I have one adorable 11 month old baby boy. He is a very smart and determined boy and we see it by his actions. He is not willing to give up. We have been having trouble putting him to sleep and helping him to sleep for longer periods of time throughout the night. We have gone through a few methods and none have seemed to work. He sleeps for 3 to 4 hours, then wakes up and I have tried letting him cry, and holding him and then putting him down but he still crys. At the end I give up and bring him to my bed and nurse him. My husband has been so caring yet he is also running low on sleep and it is effecting his health. I try to get up and make sure he doesn't cry, so not to wake up my husband, yet it isn't always possible. I feel that our baby is also more tired due to not having a restful sleep. Please advise me as to what I can do.
Thank you for everything.
Sara
Answer: Dear Sara,
One of the most important ingredients ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Dear Slovie,
I'm a Jewish woman who has an issue with my 25 year old daughter. She fears that she will never have a relationship. She had four in a year and they haven't lasted more than 6 weeks. She is sad and depressed and I fear for her. Can you help her please? Sh say her relationships never last and all her friends are married. I really need nelp with this.
(Please don't print my name or all the contents of this letter.)
Answer: I think that it would be a good idea to have your ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie:
I am a mother of a lovely Special Needs Child. She is almost 7 years old and has a learning disability. My husband and I adore her so much. Especially since we can't seem to have any more children.
My question is this: My daughter and I have difficulty with discipline as well as my soft nature. I seem to be either very sweet and cuddley with her or get very angry with her when she misbehaves with chutzpa towards me or others. She is basicaly a good and smart girl who is a real actress. Currently her schedule is the following: she goes to Margetts school for 1st grade special ed. She is doing very well with tremendous improvement. We want to send her to Yeshivah next year, but feel overwhelmed with where to send her. We live in Monsey and the schools here don't have Special Ed at all. If she goes to a regualar Yeshivah, they have only a resource room.
We need help with a decision for next September as well as with Shoshana's behavior. Her Teacher does not seem to like me because I am too soft with her and she runs a very structured environment. I believe that when children come home from school, they really want to relax and play a little while having a snack. This is what I do for her from 3:30 - 4:30. At 4:30 her Hebrew tutor arrives and sometimes she is happy, but most of the time she is not. Esti is a great tutor for her. Shoshana is continuing to learn her Alepf - Bais and reading it too. So yesterday she did not feel like learning, and I feel like we are spending time and money for nothing. I really want her to have the feeling like she is in Yeshivah to get her ready for a full day very soon! She is learning everything for Pesach now. She fights me and I know she knows a lot now. I had to give her a Pach yesterday and tell her to respect Esti and me. I told her that she could go outside to play afterwards.
However, I just feel like I could use some support from you. I did watch your videos. Very interesting. What kind of advice can you offer for the decision-making process as to where we should send her?
Answer: Dear C.,
I hear many different emotions and thou...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: Dear Slovie,
My 3 year old daughter frequently cries when she doesn't get her way and then always says "nobody likes me" or "nobody is my friend"
How can I address this problem?
Do you think it is a self-esteem issue or does she just say these things to get attention?
I always re-assure her that she has many friends, but if she cries, people may not want to play with her.
Help!!!!!
Answer: Three year olds are learning to share and interact...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: I have a child who is constantly angry. I do not know why. She has her friends over for a playdate and all of a sudden she goes into these fits of rage. She makes angry faces at me. I try and talk calmly, I then sometimes punish her. I don't know what to do anymore. She just acts out everyday. Please help.
Answer: I am not sure of your daughter's age, but I am ass...
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Category: Listening
Question: I attended your lecture today (my 4th visit) and as always, am so moved and inspired by you and your words. Thus, I came home and worked on my reactions towards my children's behavior. When my 5 year old daughter said no to every request regarding bedtime (ex, teeth brushing, going upstairs, saying goodnight to my husband, stopping her crying), I explained to her that she would loose something, which she did, and explained how I was hurt by not hearing any 'Yes mommy' responses all night. We compared her behavior at home to that in kindergarten where she told me that she listens to what her teacher asks and never says no. So I asked her to behave that way for mommy since I love her and I would love for her to answer me that way....she replied no, and I told her that it made me sad, ....and basically then she went to sleep. I must have done something wrong here, especially since my 5 year old went to sleep without resolving this and all of that time was spent, never in a teachable moment or reading as we do at bedtime, instead just reacting to her fresh attitude. I hope that you can advise me, thanks, Melissa
Answer: hi Melissa,
It was wonderful to see you today.I w...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie,
Please do not use my last name if you publish this.
My background is a father who was very abusive.He was murdered when I was 12. It is a terrible thing to say but there was some peace in the house afterwards. I live with the guilt of telling him to die 2 weeks before his death.
I got involved with drugs till eighteen. During this time I had a cousin who was like a sister die in Israel.
I made Alliya to Israel after college. I then married an Israeli man. He talked me into returning to the States, my mother died who I was very close to the year I returned.
I have 2 wonderful children from this marrage. After 19 years of a marrage which was a mistake we divorced.
I had a job for 15 years that they want to fire me from and I am going through court over now. Meanwhile as this is going on with my job I was hit by a car while walking and I am now house ridden.
My daughter's husband wants a divorce after 5 years and 1 child later.
I know that HASHEM is not to give you tests that you cannot handle. I think I believe in HASHEM and after many years I lit Shabbos candles and have read Life is a Test.
I know you should not ask why but I do and I question IF I shall pass the test and how.
I see the only way out many times to end the pain is suicide. Maybe this is my test not to do it, but I am TIRED and WEARY. I know that suicide is a great transgretion, but how much loss can I endure. I know others suffer more and less then I do, but this is my pain and suffering.
Can you help me?
Answer: Dear Tired and Weary,
You have ,no doubt, endured...
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Category: Fighting
Question: I have 2 boys, ages 2 1/2 and 5. how do i tell them that they have to talk nicely to each other when playing with the same toy?
Answer: these are wonderful lessons for life to teach our...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Hi Slovie,
It was so nice seeing you after all of these years and I was so happy to be able to hear you speak at (omit for privacy). It was very moving and I can't wait to see your book when it comes out! I had a couple of questions for you...a) a few mothers and I would like to start some sort of chessed(compassion) program for our 4th grade daughters to foster a sense of hakaras hatov.(gratitude) Do you have any suggestions? b) I have a son who turned 4 in December who is tremendously sweet and sensitive but is getting a lot of joy using bathroom words (as it seems do his friends), saying "stupid", "I am going to cut off your head", etc. He is always laughing when he says these things but I would love to get him to stop. Any suggestions?
I look forward to hearing from you.
A
Answer:
It was a pleasure meeting up with you again!Than...
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Category: Kid's Friendships
Question: Hi,
I heard you speak at (omit for privacy)and this is the question I meant to ask. My children have a friend in their class that they like to play with. However, when the child is over I do not like the things he says that my children are then learning from him (ex: he called me and my children stupid). He is not a bad child but I feel that he says inappropriate things many times and there are other children who don't want to play with him because of it. I do not want to contribute to him being an "outcast" but I also want to protect my children from picking up some of his less than acceptable behavior. Also, it is very hard to just not make playdates with him because he will ask me directly to come play and then ask his mom also and she wants them to always have playdates together so she will say it is up to me. We live very close to eachother so it makes it even harder to just try to avoid the situation. Again, I want to teach them to be nice to everyone but in a way I also want them to keep their distance from him.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Sincerely,
Answer: Hi
It was a pleaure meeting you . You are faced ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: When does Hashem starts testing people? Children need to learn how to behave but, many don't have good teachers. Do negative actions of children affect their "portait"?
Answer: your question is most profound. We are put into th...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Good morning Slovie. I attended your inspirational lecture at Temple Avodah yesterday and had some questions. I have a 12 year old preteen son. He is very respectful as far as saying please and thank you and very caring for older people. However, I feel like he is not sharing as much with me as he used to with respect to school and friends. He's very athletic and is involved in several sports. He's also into video games. We're not spending as much time as we used to together and I'm having trouble figuring out how to maintain the very close relationship we've always had. Thank you Slovie for any advice you can provide. Ann-Leslie Berger-Zaslav
P.S. Are you lecturing any time soon on the Island?
Answer: So wonderful to hear from you!Actually, what you d...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Dear Slovie, I am a mother of keien Harah four children. My oldest son is now eight years old and we are having a hard time with him. He does not listen, is rude and disrespectful, and has a nasty tempter when he does not get his way. In some ways he is like me, I too have a mean temper that I am training to get under control. What can I do as a parent to help him become successful? He is such a bright, loving, child when he wants to be. I have used time outs, taken away his currency, nothing works. I need help, I do not want to fail my child. Thank you for listening.
Answer: First, allow me to tell you how important it is th...
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Category: Criticism
Question: Dear Slovie,
I am going through a divorce due to an abusive relationship. I have two boys ages 1 and 3. Are there any Jewish resources to help me get through this difficult time? I have already read all your mom's books and hoped during our marriage my husband would read them. I am especially worried about our boys since their father constantly criticizes me. I feel he will criticize his sons and I do not want them to suffer the pain of not feeling good about themselves because they are always trying to get their dad's approval as they get older. Is there anything I can do to help them?
Thanks,
Hannah
Answer: i am sorry that you are going through the pain of ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Hi Slovie
I am a Jewish woman, blessed with a wonderful husband and seven year old son. I was raised without Orthodox customs, prayer, rhythms. Slowly I am taking on more - stricter Kashrut, keeping Shabbat more and more. My husband is Jewish but not interested in becoming more observant. He says our basic prayers on Shabbat and attends shul on Shabbat mornings, but he does this only because it is meaningful for me (and he sees that it can be good for our son). How do you suggest that I continue to move toward observing Torah law? For example, it is hard for me to demand that my son not watch television on Shabbat when my husband will watch later in the day. I should mention that I am also somewhat ambivalent about these changes. It is scary and new and I just don't know HOW to do this!
Thank you very much for your time and consideration,
Marcia
Answer: I admire your quest to transmit your heritage to y...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Shalom Slovie
In the process of writing my Memoirs for my family..grandchildren and great grands...should I include comments regarding the "skeletons in the closet"..because there are evidences of the "sins of the fathers" being transmitted to the 4th generation of those who do not adhere to the Torah principles...and
I'm concerned about "Lashon Hora" violations...
Thank you for any guiding considerations...
Answer: One of the most important legacies that you can le...
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Category: Relationships
Question: hi Slovie im Jew and i would like to know why people get divorces does God send us our partners and then why we get divorce. and after that how should i know that the next guy i decide to marry after divorce is the right one.
thanks bye
Answer: you have an excellent question-it really is an und...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Please do not use my name if you decide to publish my question. DEAR Slovie, I am in a pure dilema that I truly believe is harming my whole being. I met a nice, Jewish boy 1 1/2 ago. It was instant love and we both instantly new that it was it. Then I introduced him to my family and my mom has been very tough with him. First bc he is religious and second bc she does not know where he is from and what family he comes from. She has made this relationship very hard for me and at times i cried myself to sleep about it. A few months ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. My mom was happy for me but i sensed that it wasnt all sincere. Moreover by the way she is acting know with him (hostile and unwelcoming) I am almost certain that she does not approve of our union. I have always been very close with my mom and she means everything to me but when is it time to think of yourslef? Also aren't mother's always right? Maybe there is something she sees that I cannot see? She has begun to give me much doubt about this relationship even if I do love him. I am completely torn. My fiance feels neglected and refuses to come to my house on shabbos or hollidays. We always fight about it, but I am litteraly torn between my family and my fiance. Please guide me and give me advice bc I am not strong enough to deal with all these different emotions. Thank you so much for listening! Kol Touv,
Answer: I am sorry that you are going through such a hard ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: our son(we are Jewish) is marrying a Jewish girl
her parents do not want to be under the chuppah
we do we never even thought this could possibly be an issue
what should we do
Answer: I understand that you never imagined this as an is...
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Category: Kid's Friendships
Question: Hi, I have a question re my daughter, and a friend. Both are nine. The friend, is a boy. Recently, they had a play-date where she brought a small game, in its case, to his house, (They were thinking of playint it on the DS (a small electronic tay). When, it was time to leave, we realized we were without the game. He said "Ill get it" (from his room). The game case closes tightly, and needs to be pryed open. Well, when he handed it to me, (the case) i went to open it, and he "stpeed me", by hodling it shut. The game was gone, when we did open it. The children had not used it, at all , during the play-date. I am not sure how to handle the situation. The boy , has a history of "lying", and has numerous self esteem issues, possibly due to dyslexia. (He can not read) We are fairly sure (my daughter and I) that he took it. I want to discourage her from having friends she can not trust, but am not sure how much/or little time to allow them to play. He has engages in some destructive behavior, in our home, as well as his. ??? Thanks, so much. l'Shana Tova, marsha
Answer: Dear Marsha, I do appreciate your concerns, becaus...
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Category: Marriage
Question: Shalom,
I appreciate you taking my question. I am a Jewish mom with four children. When I was married 17 1/2 years ago I did not know that it was necessary for my husband to convert to become a Jew because, we felt the same way(so I thought). About 3 1/2 years ago I started dressing modestly, even covering my hair (I think HaShem told me to) and learning Torah. For the last 2 years I have been really slipping, I pray everyday and still read, however not like before. I fear I am going down hill and taking my family with me. I do not want to compromise Torah values; I know the Torah is true! We do not(well, our children and myself) do not go out on Shabbos or do other activities to KNOWNLY violate Shabbos, except when it comes to electricity and going on the computer(no downloading)I want this to stop but, I am married and my husband has some say so. I do love HaShem with everything I have, however I just do not know what I have anymore!!!
My husband is a wonderful man, I actually do believe that his soul is Jewish and I know our kids souls are, so my question is what if anything should I do? This is the month I must decide and stop putting it off. I am not asking if I should devoice my husband I am asking if I should, or how I should get my family to live a more Yiddishkeit life without hurting our family-16year old(Rena),14(Nate)11-(Shawn) and 7(Anna)
Thank you so much
Ketivah vachatimah tovah,
Aliza
Answer: dear Aliza, you certainly speak from your heart an...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie, B"H
My daughter met a man on the computer who said he was a Jew but wasn't. The marriage lasted thireteen and a half months and I am the bubbe of a 4 year old severely autistic little Tzvi Hersh. My husband can not love him and it is so very hard for my daughter. I am falling apart and Hashem seems so far away and I do not feel him at all when I pray. How do I give hope to my daughter and husband when I am empty too?
Miriam
Answer: Dear Miriam, You are the bubbe and carry the heart...
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Category: Divorce
Question: Last year I got divorced. I am in Israel, my X is in the US. He paid less than a quarter of the child support owed for the last 14 months. I and the children live in distinct poverty because the Israeli gov't won't pay me child support because he is a US resident.
1. My in-laws emotionally abused me for the entire length of my marriage.
2. My ex gave me full custody and my in-laws interfered.
3. My 14 year old went away for a weekend and never came home. He has basically been kidnapped by my in-laws friends, and brainwashed to hate me. they send him gifts and spending money while the other two children and I struggle to eat bread. This after my X basically blamed this child for destroying my marriage and beating him for 14 years.
4. I am expected to pay for foster care $150 a month from the $0 I get from the kids' father. then the same kids asks me for money for clothes and shoes - things that are supposed to be gotten by the foster family with the money I have to pay.
5. there is a court order for social services to pay for family counseling so my kid will want to come home, but they are refusing to pay for the services, claiming they have no money.
6> I asked for legal aid and they are telling me that I basically just have to give up and let them take my son, and I should shut up before they take the rest of the kids!!!!!
Answer: I am so sorry for your plight and know that no one...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi Slovie,
Funny, I saw this site, because I do have a question.
My son (17 months) baruch hashem is very friendly. My question is is he too friendly?
He runs up to absoulutely everyone in their face and says hi, at the park, at the store, at the restaurant.
Should I be concerned, he's going into other people's personal space.
And if the answer is yes, what do I do? I think it's endearing, but I don't know if it's something I should be looking out for later on.
Lauren
Answer: dear Lauren, it seems as if your child has a most ...
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Category: Communication
Question: Hi can u please tell me if the Rebbetzin is coming to South Africa again and is the Rebbetzin from the Lubavitch community and just to comment on her bringing me closer to Torah after reading the Commited Marriage thank you Wayne
Answer: None
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Category: Relationships
Question: I try to be a respectful daughter. At times, it is hard. Now that I have my own 3 healthy children, thank G-D, I can better empathize with my Mother. I am now pregnant with my 4th child. G-d willing, all will go well. I haven't told my parents ye because I don't think that they will be thrilled that my family is getting larger. I am happpy at the thought of another gift from G-d to raise. My husband is also very happy. We know that from comments madde by my parents that they thought 3 kids was enough. I am almost 9 weeks. I will be seeng them next week and don't know what to say. My husband wants me to wait until 12 weeks so that things are further along. I want to share this joyous news. I don't want them upset. I know whythey would be worried- I am now older (37) and have some bad genetic diseases in the family. I wouldn't abort if I found out that this child had an issue. Also, they thought 2 was good, but were happy when my 3rd was born. They came out saying this is healthy child, so, you can be done. Anyway, you probably get the idea. I don't know why I'm writing you, but I don't know where else to turn for advuce. I read The committed LIfe and Life is A Test. Both gave me such spiritual guidance that I hope you can help with some advice from a Jewish perspective. Thank you for reading my babblings. Please don't judge my parents harshly; they are good loving parents who don't want my usband or I to have more than we can handle. I will await your answer. Thank you for your time.
Answer: First, allow me to wish you mazel and blessing! Th...
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Category: Discipline
Question: BS"D
Dear Slovie,
My husband and I have a 15 month old son. He is the Joy of our life! Recently he has started to become more agressive with my husband and I. He will hit, bite and pull hair. I do not think that he connects his actions with an infliction of pain, but rather they are a way for him to express frustration when faced with challenges.
Currently my husband and I say "No" loudly and redirect him to "make nice" if he acts nicely we clap and say "YAY!" Unfortunately, this does not appear to be working. My son is a very sweet boy with a beautiful soul. I really want to approach this issue correctly.
Thanks for your assistance,
Lisa
Answer: Dear L., You are right to pay attention to this be...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: dear slovie,
i am a recent divorcee with 2 young children. suffered through 5 years of an abusive husband and i finaly left after i found out he was beating my oldest son. my son is now afraid of everything and constantly throws temper tantrums. what should i do?
Answer: You have gone through so very much yourself and no...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi Slovie,
Thank you for your wonderful insights.
My daughter is completely obsessed with her pacifier. She only gets it for naps and at night. She will be turning 3 in September and we often discuss how she will be such a big girl then and how we are going to throw it away when she turns 3. However we see her complete reliance on it emotionally and physically and we don't know how she is going to cope once it is gone. We have asked her what she would like in its place, but she doesn't care for anything else. If you have any suggestions we would be most appreciative. Thank you!!
Answer: Dear P.,Thank you for your kind words. It is amazi...
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Category: Terrible Twos
Question: dear slovie,
I have a 2 years old son. He's such a sweet boy, but he's starting to yellow all the time and hiting everyone. how can I do to stop this?
Answer: two year olds are at the point of testing you and ...
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Category: Listening
Question: Hi Slovie,
My name is Mazal and I have 4 daughters Baruch Hashem, but i cant seem to have them listen to me anytime that i speak. my oldest daughter is having a lot of problems listening to me i need help!!!
Thakns mazal
Answer: dear
Dear Mazal, I appreciate your frustration...
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Category: Fighting
Question: Dear Slovie ,
I have two sons ,thank G-d
`they always fight whenever i tell them to stop they always continue do you have any advice to give me and my husband? Please tell me as soon as possible
Thank you
Answer: When parents hear thier children fighting, it caus...
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Category: Terrible Twos
Question: How do I get my 2 year old to start listening to me?
Answer: Welcome to the world of the "terrible two`s". Two ...
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Category: Marriage
Question: b``h
Slovie,
I am a mother of two amazing boys, thank G-d. I am raising my son`s to be Orthodox Jewish but their father is Christian. How do I raise them to be proud of who they are despite having a Jewish male role model in their home right now?
Shavua Tov,
Debbie
Answer: dear Debbie, What an amazing job you are doing!It ...
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Category: Communication
Question: Dear Slovie,
I loose my temper a lot when I try to take care of my children, is there a prayer or any advice to help me?
Answer: Parenting often brings feelings of anger and frust...
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