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Question:
Dear Slovie,
I have five daughter ages 9, 7, 5, 3, and 7 month old. My second daughter has had some problems since she was about 5. She was having very bad tantrums that would last over 2 hours for very silly reasons. Most of them were because of jealousy toward her older sister. For example, she did not like the tone of her sisters voice, or fights with her older sister, or something Mommy said that she didn't like. I attended a few parenting classes and tried to implement all they said, but the situation got worse. Then we went to see a frum therapist who had sessions with me and then my daughter. She told us that she is very rigid and overly sensitive. She gave me the book, "Explosive Children" to read and implement with her. I tried the book, it worked some of the time but because she was very young the solutions part was a bit difficult. We had to stop the therapist for monetary issues and baruch Hashem she started having less tantrums ( I also gave her fish oil which I heard helps) Around Rosh Hashana of last year, she said she wants to stop the crying and she really did. We hardly had any tantrums. For Pesach, we flew to my parents and I it was crazy with late nights and I don't know what happened all of a sudden when she went back to being like before. She has become even more aggressive. Every time something doesn’t' go her way she screams, cries, bangs her legs. She can go on forever... She keeps saying nobody likes her and everybody hurts her. Last night, she went in the back yard, saying I don’t want to see you (I had asked her to wait a few minutes till I could do homework with her again). She always also wants me to say "sorry" to her even if she had a fight with a sibling. And I have to tell her that I mean it and it has to be just the right tone of voice. I am really breaking from the pressure she puts on me with 4 other ones. I can't say "no" to her to tell her that what she said was not ok. By the way, when she is good, she is an angel. Always trying to help me and doing things for me. Please help me and if you have more questions please let me know. It breaks my heart to see her so sad all the time!
Thanks so much in advance for your time and effort in helping me.
Answer:
you most definitely have your hands full and must be feeling overwhelmed. I wonder what happens in school and if your daughter has friends. If she is able to play properly with her friends and have relationships with other children and if she is able to sit nicely in school and not erupt in tantrums that means that your daughter is capable of self control and is aware of her actions at home. If she is not able to control herself at school and is unable to have friendships due to her eruptions, she would need different type of help then I am speaking to you about. Sit her down in a calm moment. Tell her that you know that she is an angel, such a special mitzvah girl. Give her some examples of why you feel this why and how she did the right thing in certain situations. Then ask her if she knows why she sometimes gets so upset....and how it makes her/you/thefamily feel. Then choose 1 behavior to begin with that she would like to change and take control of. tell her that you will help her...ask her what it feels like just before she is about to explode-do her cheeks turn red or does she feel her heart beat faster...try to identify with her the feelings so that she can then know how to better control her emotional outbursts. Explain to her that when she is feeling those triggers that is the time to step back. it's ok to go to her room then or a private spot till she is feeling better and able to talk instead of scream and explode. Reassure her that you will be happy to listen to her words as long as she is speaking calmly. if she would like she can even write down her words and feelings instead of saying it and you will be happy to speak with her when she is feeling calm. I believe that this is a good start-identifying the moment of explosion before it occurs so that she can then gain some control and learn how to speak out her frustrations properly. it is an important life skill as well as helping bring peace back home into your family's life. also tell her that you can have a private signal so that when you see her begining to explode you can help her get to a quiet place until she can better control herself. This is not a punishment, tell her, instead it is a way to help her feel better about herself. once you see her trying to help herself, please email me and we can go to the next step.
best wishes,
slovie
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