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Question:
Dear Slovie,
Thanks so much for your inspiration. I could not be there at your randolph, nj lecture, but am catching up during weekly torah class and reading. I have an 8 year old, a daughter with mild special needs and related behavioral difficulties. Often she frustrates too quickly (i.e. asks "I need help" and starts yelling within a second without waiting for me to cross the floor to assist her) and also has difficulty in understanding her own tone of voice. She is fairly negative in her self-perception at times and will say rude and disrespectful things when she is suddenly overwhelmed. I tell her, this behavior does not become you, or that I can't understand her when she yells at me, and often I have to remove her to time-out until it is over and she can regain control. I do try to take the time each day for lots of hugs and kisses and expressions of empathy when she needs to discuss a hardship, like her difficulties in gym class, and I try hard not to lose my temper. It is VERY challenging. I feel that if I do not respond in w strong way (firm tone of voice, immed consequences - I do NOT hit and only did once when she was younger and ran into a parking lot - wasn't listening) but I am often tempted to lost it completely. How far should I be going to make it VERY and abundantly clear that it is never ok to be disrespectful, or use a poor tone of voice. Her mild special needs complicate this, but I do not want to expect less of her, as stretching her as much as possible makes it more likely that she may ultimately lead a normal life and have healthy social relationships.
I look forward to your advice. Thank you so much
Answer:
I can understand how difficult this challenge must be for you. I would first like to tell you that G-d chooses our children for us and the fact that G-d gave you a child with special needs means that G-d has the confidence that you can take care of and nurture this special soul.It is not an easy task to parent calmly especially when your patience is tried. A good way to keep yourself calm is to recognize the triggers that cause your child's outburts so that you could be prepared to handle them and not be caught off guard. When you are a good role model and don't lose it, at least your child sees how to remain calm. Imagine how much a child learns from self control that a parent displays!And if you know what triggers her then you can, both, prevent some situations and be better ready when they do ocur. Now, about your child: First,it would be a good idea to role play situations with your daughter. You can even make a puppet show for her so that she can see the effect of her tantrums and also see other avenues of behavior that she can display. There are good children's books in your local jewish book store that gives young children stories about good character and respectful behavior. Use these as your bedtime stories. As far as teaching respect goes, in my book I write about various rules of respect that our Sages have given us to help bring respect into our homes. An example, is never to sit in a parent's chair,we are taught how to ask a parent for something respectfully, and how we parents are to deal with chutzpah.There is no reason to allow chutzpah and disrespect to thrive in your home. These are not math or scince skills that we are speaking about, rather this is 'how to be a mensch'. So yes, you should be calm, strong and consistant and know where to draw the line while giving plenty of love as you do.Each time you teach your child how to overcome her nature is a victory and not to be discounted because there were so many other times in the day that she couldn't have self control. All those little moments eventually become a child's nature over time. One added ingrediant that I think would be beneficial to you is to help your daughter's self esteem flourish. not through compliments but through her doing something like a mitzvah that would be her 'special' job either in the home or for another person. This should be a mitzvah that she enjoys doing and one that would help her feel valued-such as visiting an elderly person and helping them by doing a task for them or making a weekly cake-even from a mix- and having this be her contribution for your Shabbos table, or to give the cake to a grandparent or school crossing guard...she can make cards for children in a hospital...these are some ideas where your daughter can feel pride and worth through real accomplishments so that she does not always feel that she is taking in life but that she, too, is a giver.
best wishes,
slovie
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