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Question:
dear slovie,
i would first like to express my feelings about your book that i just put down. i would like to say that this book really opened my eyes to a new inspirational light on not only parenting but on love life and true happiness.what moved me the most is reading about ur upbringing and ur appreciation to ur parents for giving you exactly what u needed to become the exceptional person you are today.you came from a pure generation and the 'old ways' is very hard to bring back today. youve reached out to soo many people with ur incredible insights and u grab peoples attention through love on jewish life NOT BY FORCE and thats the most effective way in bringing am israel closer.thank you.
Well as for me,im a mother of 3 ages 6,4,2.and im so grateful for these beautiful gifts from hashem and i cherish them so. i have a little issue with my middle child (they say the sandwich child).she has a tough character and doesnt take no for an answer.she has a hard time even with the teacher disciplining her.i have the hardest time getting her dressed in the morning and especiallygetting her to bed at night no matter wat i do!(i even one time took all her stuff out of her room as punishment to the point where the only thing left was her bed,and she still didnt care)i find the only way getting alittle through to her is through complimenting her but the min i get angry at something she does,she goes back to her original self. i really crave for that patience u wrote on and hiow to give each child his undivided attention and i started doing that with her everday for an hr after she comes home from school,can u give me more tips on how to discipline for home as well as school,thanks
Answer:
Thank you so very much for your beautiful email. I appreciate your feedback on the book; knowing that my words have entered your heart means everything. As for your daughter, it is very easy for us to fall into a pattern with 1 child. 'the middle one', 'the whiny one', 'the shy one', 'the diificult one'. I would begin by asking you to start fresh in your mind and approach your daughter as an individual child without labeling her. This way you will not see her as difficult and tough every time she misbehaves. What do you gain by this? We tend to get angrier and more emotional when we feel that a child is constantly pushing our buttons and 'impossible' rather then a good/average child who needs to learn how to listen.(Think about it-when it is a child who we think of as 'easy' who misbehaves, we are not as angry when we discipline). So begin by seeing your daughter as a good child who needs proper discipline. And bear in mind that those children who have a more tenacious nature can be trained to use their stubborness for good as they get older; like when the whole class is mean to 1 girl and your daughter stands up to the meaness because she uses her toughness to stand for what she believes in. I have seen this happen when parents learn to channel their child's nature for the good.Now , what do I mean by proper discipline? You need to first ask yourself if you spend most of your time with this child disciplining with emotion and anger. If so, you are having a relationship that is stressful most of the time.Your bond with her needs to be strengthened. While I believe in consequences and discipline, of course, i do strongly believe that children also need to be surrounded with alot of love. Children who do not listen well and give us a hard time need balanced discipline-meaning alot of love even though there are genuine and natural consequences.(see my chapter on discipline). Too often, these children end up with alot of consequences and not as much demonstrations of love. We take out the furniture, we get angry, we 'time out' them, we don't give them treats like the other kids, BUT at the same time we forget to love, hugs, kisses, and kind words. They end up angry and acting out because that is the only way we deal with them.So when you do have a good moment going. give her a hug, kiss, or good word, 'just because'.As far as getting dressed, try to pinpoint the problem and how you can prevent some of the confrontations. For example, can you choose the clothing the night before, together? Would that help? if you must get her dressed under duress, do so with out 'losing it'. The tougher you get emotionally, the tougher she learns how to be. She will mimic your tone and behavior. it is best to try not to yell or scream as you interact with her-even when you give consequences. let her see that you are serious but in control of your emotions. There is alot more that i can add but I realize that this is a lengthy email. I look forward to your reply if you would like to continue the discussion.
best,
slovie
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