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Question:
Dear Slovie,
I have a toddler of two and a half. On the way home from visiting my in laws he woke up from a short nap in the car. Of course he was very tired and kvetchy. He asked for a candy and I did not want him to have one so he started screaming. My husband said he " needs a whack" and we have decided against smacking. It upset me very much that my husband gets so angry and just wants to smack. At first I left him to scream and scream then I decided to "distract" him. and started talking to him about purim and what we're going to do (because these were candies for mishloach manos). He stopped screaming and all was ok.
Do you think I dealt with it ok? I fear that I might have been to soft but I just felt that he was tired, he had been in the car in traffic for 2 hours, he was hungry, and it was understandable from a 2 year old. I was very upset with my husband. He always just wants to smack and scream because he says the kid isnt learning anything. He is generally such a well behaved boy, just in his terrible toddler years( i prefer terrific toddler)years and I dont know how to get my husband to see that its normal and we dont need to scream, insult, threaten, smack. He began telling my son if u dont stop screaming you cannot have on purim..my son screamt louder and he said ok you;re not getting (of course he will though) but I totally disagree with this method.
Answer:
my dear friend,
It saddens to hear that you are trying so hard to raise your son with love and understanding and your husband is negating your efforts through harshness, screaming and smacking. Discipline is of course necessary for children to learn boundaries and how to behave like a mensch. But screaming and smacking only teaches children that it's ok to use our hands and be out of control; it teaches our children to fear our tempers and eventually they mimic our rage. These children are never taught self control because they have parents who are out of control themselves. As they grow up, they too, 'lose it' and become easily angry, shout and yell, and even hit those who they feel are weaker then them-like siblings and even parents!In order for discipline to be effective it must be given effectively. You are correct that we should not make excuses for our childrens misbehavior, but at the same time it is important to understand our children. Being a constant whiner is not the same as being hungry and tired after sitting in a car for 2 hours. Distracting your son was the right way to go. Hitting him would accomplish nothing. It sounds as if your husband feels out of control when your son acts up and when he behaves as toddlers normally do. There are ways to teach our toddlers to stop whining but smacking, yelling and screaming is not one of them. Please haveyour husband read my chapter on discipline-it may save his relationship with your son as your child grows. I invite you to join my parenting lectures where we discuss this very topic along with other crucial parenting skills.
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