 |
 |
Question:
Hi Slovie
I am a mother of 4 children. My third duaghter, age 7, has recently done some worrying things, and I am unsure how to handle them. I feel guilty that she always receives the least attention, since she was a baby, for various reasons, and so I am most lenient to her, and give in to her the most, which I believe may have contributed?
A few weeks ago, my oldest daughter and I were away for a night. My two youngest girls (ages 5 and 7) went into her room, which is strictly forbidden to them, and played with her things. The 7 year old convinced my 5 year old that a number of items were hers, and they moved them to her room (magazines, makeup, jewellery). I required them to help clean up and return the items, but did not insist when the 7 year old left (my oldest was being very mean to her, and is often. Then last week, she returned from a playdate with an mp3 player, which she told me a different friend had given her as a birthday present. It was odd as her birthday party was in November, but not totally unexpected, so I thought no more of it until the mom phoned me to say that her child's mp3 was missing. I retuend it to the mother, and we agreed that her daughter would not be told, in order to protect my daugher from gossiping amongst her peers. She has not asked me about it, and may not have noticed it has gone (I don't believe it was the mp3 player that was important to her, other than for the fleeting moment). I am not sure how to talk to my daughter about it, or what I need to make her do. I thought it was an isolated incident, until her friend came over to play on Friday after school. My daughter had brought home some erasers a few weeks ago, and said she won them in the raffle on Friday (which they do every week, and get small prizes). In the kitchen, her friend said "there are my erasers, I wonder how they got here". My daughter looked at me quickly with a scared look, and then giggled and said "yes I wonder how they got here". I have noticed one other dishonest thing she does. She recently started reading a lot, fairly advanced books for her age. I was thrilled as she is a more active athletic child. Her 2 best friends are almost a year older than her and very bright, and she has been borrowing boooks from them, which I was surprised she was reading at that level. This week I asked her to tell me what the book was about, and discovered that she's not really reading them. I can't figure out if she's pretending completely she can read at Grade Level) or she says she jumps around and reads bits here and there.
I would love your help, to put in perspective how serious these behaviours are, and how to best approach them.
Thanks
B
Answer:
Dear B.,
You write that your daughter has received the least attention. You also write that you are lenient with her, which translates into a lack of consistancy in her life as you bend rules that are normally given to the other children to calm your guilt feelings. I never believe in pointing fingers through my answers and that is certainly not my purpose here. I would like you, though, to understand that this child is crying out for attention. When not enough positive attention is given children seek any attention, even negative. Because at least with negative attention you are looking at her. When she receives a lack of discipline and finds that you are more lenient with her, this does not make her feel happier; instead she feels unsafe because she does not know that boundaries that she has in life. Would you feel safe if every time you misbehave your parent looks away and just lets you do whatever you want,or eat whatever you want, have whtever you want and go to sleep whenever you want? You would feel uncared for. So through all this,(lack of attention, being allowed to do whatever), your daughter wants to test your love, your ability to give her attention, and your ability to listen to her. This cry for help cannot be ignored. She has, sadly, shown very disturbing behavior too many times. I would seek a guidance counslor from school with whom you can share your fears with and take it from there. I would also ask that you spend special time with your daughter-just the two of you. She needs to know that you are there for her, listening to her and wanting to be with her.
best wishes,
slovie
|
|
|
 |
|