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Question:
Dear Slovie,
A couple of months ago I went to the lecture you gave in my town and was so inspired. Thank you so much for the chizuk you gave me.
I would very much appreciate your input on the situation I have with my son Y. He is 14 and in the 9th grade in our local Yeshiva. Y. is a good hearted boy and intelligent, but is not quick witted socially. He often doesn't "get" things that people say or do right away. He has been in school with the same group of boys since elementary. They are mostly all good boys and have been nice to Y. over the years. The past couple of years, though, as the boys have gotten older, they seem to be less tolerant of Y. being slower to catch on to what's going on around him. Also, in high school there are many other boys interacting with each other. It is not just his small elementary school group anymore. Y. has told us that he is often called "retarded" and/or laughed at by other boys. He can't think quickly enough of responses to say to them and so just walks away and takes this abuse. We have told him to ignore these boys and stick with the boys who are nice. He does this for the most part, but the taunts and laughter of the other boys crushes his spirit. We told him to tell his Rebbe when boys say hurtful things to him. He refuses to do this because he doesn't want to be called a "rat". Last year there was an incident where a couple of boys blatently took advantage of Y.'s weakness and we felt we had to intervene. We talked to the principal about it and the boys in question got into trouble. Since then those boys hate Y. and everyone in the class now considers Y. a "rat". Whenever someone in the class gets in trouble for anything, they always look at Y. assuming he told on them, even though he didn't. For this reason, he refuses to tell his Rebbeim when he is taunted.
Earlier this school year Y. told me that he is used to the other kids making fun of him and it doesn't bother him anymore. He just walks away from them. This of course hurts me to the core of my being, that my son should be used to being ridiculed and consider this "normal". Lately, though he has been expressing feelings of worthlessness saying that no one likes him. He has also expressed some deep anger that he has toward some of the boys that belittle him. I know this is very unhealthy and want this situation to stop. We have offered Y. to send him to another Yeshiva. He says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to leave home. The Yeshiva he goes to now is the only one in our town so he would have to leave home if we send him to another school.
What should we do? Should we go ahead and push him to go to a different school? Would this send him a message of running away from his problems? On the other hand, do we allow him to be subjected to another 3 years of ridicule, being made to feel inferior and having his self esteem chipped away at? We try to bolster his spirits, tell him to stick with the nice boys and reinforce that he is a good person, but needless to say his self-esteem has suffered greatly.
I would so appreciate your advice. Thank you so much.
S.
Answer:
Dear S.,
I read and reread your letter a number of times because the pain is so deep and hard to absorb the first time. Teenagers are not small children anymore, they are young adults, and as much as we would like to make thier hurts and pains go away with a kiss or a phonecall-sadly we cannot. Telling the teacher to tell the boys to be nice, sadly won't work, as you have seen. Perhaps there will be one or two boys who may say 'hello' but beyond that, we cannot make teens be friends or know that they will invite your son to social situations out of school and he will still be excluded. My concern , and I am sure, yours as well, is for your son's feelings of self worth. We do not want him to feel as if he is a 'loser' or has no value, which is what he is starting to feel. We also do not want him to grow into an angry or bitter adult. You do have a few options: I do not know if the principal and teacher are sympathetic or wise when it comes to these issues, but you could have a meeting with them and portray the situation, asking them for their advice based on their years in education. Yours is not the first story like this that they have heard, believe me.
It is not that you are speaking to them to get anyone in trouble, rather , the point is to hear words of advice from them to help better the situation and to see if there is any benefit to your son remaining in this school with these boys. Above all, he cannot be crushed as a human being. Next, try to find some activity out of school where he can find a measure of success and interact with good people, such as packaging food for Shabbos, mentoring younger children who need help, visiting sick children or elders in nursing homes, or being a 'big brother' to a boy who doesn't have a father. All these experiences would help your son feel valued in life and bring new meaning to his existence. It may also be a good idea to find a wonderful, all around older h.s. boy who can learn with him and also make your son feel part of a group, so that he is not so isolated.I do not think that if you change schools it would mean running away-it would mean looking for new oppurtunities. it would of course, have to be a school where he would be welcomed and have potential friends or else the problem would only grow, and worse, your son would be missing the comfort of home. I do have some ideas for you about the right schools, please feel free to contact me at our hineni office-212 496 1660.
hatzlocha rabbah,
slovie
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