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Question:
Hi Slovie, I have been attending your Long Island parenting classes for over 2 years, and I am very happy that this season we have been addressing sibling rivalry due to the nature of many frustrations going on in my house. I have a 9 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. It was her birthday smack in the middle of Hanukkah this week, and my son cannot let go of the fact that her birthday gift/TV is bigger, clearer and believe it or not mounted on a cool swinging stand-all in comparison to the one he received on his birthday a few years ago. He freaked out from the minute she opened her gift, and tonight our Hanukkah was no better. I like to think that I am trying to approach this holiday correctly with one night's present covering 4 nights, one night we give to charity, and the others from small trinkets to tonight - a surprise for both kids (something they did not ask for). So, tonight he had a huge box as compared to his sister, and while hers was a small painting set, he got was a tabletop hockey foosball set. Not only did he not like it, but did not even acknowledge when we pointed out to him that his sister did not compare sizes of gifts! Simply his reaction, to what we thought would have been a great surprise, was quite a disappointment to us! (I am not sure if it is related that he quantifies everything, for example, when I made dreidel shaped rice krispy treats for his Hebrew class, before Hebrew, he said I did not make enough, but when class was over -he probably brought home 30 of them, claiming I made too much!) So, it seems that mom cannot do anything right by her son, and he feels so deprived that I am not sure what to do. Thanks, M.
Answer:
Dear M.,
Gift giving can become such a great source of frustration when the gift is not received with the happiness and gratitude that we anticipate. In fact, we end up angry and resentful and the whole 'special moment' is killed. You definitely have a 'situation' and the fact that your daughter's birthday and Channukah coincide, means that you will continue to have these outburts unless you address it. I would advise you to sit down with your son and your husband in a calm moment and have a talk. Tell your son how you felt: that you had been so excited getting him his gift , waiting to see his smile, counting the minutes till he could open his present and maybe even playing a game of air hockey with him, and instead all you got from him was anger and bad feelings. Explain how hurt you felt and that it makes you feel that no matter what present he gets, it is never good enough...after a while it will make you want to stop putting thought into his gifts. Then explain to him about the birthday/chanukah combo which is how your daughter's birthday gift is always going to be given. Tell him that his turn will come-he gets his birthday gift at his special time and everyone is happy for him and this is what you expect from him. If he compares presents he will never , ever , be happy and you will absolutely not be a part of this type of anger and awful feeling when it comes to gifts. Presents are not automatic, they should be given and received with love and good felings and if he cannot understand that, well, maybe we need to skip some of the big gift giving until he is able and ready to appreciate the privelege and joy. Ask him, too, if he would rather discuss his gift beforehand so that there is no confusion or misunderstanding. Sometimes that little step can be the key to better communication. But you must make clear that you will not tolerate this jealous eye-it strips the whole family of joy, and it especially ruins his time and makes a special happening become one filled with anger.
Do not enable him by allowing the tantrums and feelings of being deprived. You must explain to him that this is not being a 'mensch'- above all , this is what you expect from him on life, no excuses. (as for your daughter's t.v. in her room-i would honestly tell you that i never advise parents to put personal t.v.'s in a child's room. it is just asking for problems as the child grows.)
best,
slovie
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