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Question:
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
I recently heard you lecture in Toronto and was very moved.I had purchased your book a week earlier totally randomly,read it, raved about it, and then a friend of mine told me you were coming.I bought it beacause it said "by R. Jungreis's daughter",I figured how wrong could I go.I guess the old saying that there is no such thing as coincedense rings true! WOW, you brought to light everything I knew in my mind,and felt in my heart BUT was not sure how to execute it.I grew up in a home where middot were strongly valued, but had a hard time imparting it to my own children.After reading your book and hearing you speak, it gave me such chizuk to put it in to action.It is easy to say"kids of today are different,or it's just to hard to fight for old fashion values..." however you inspired me to find the strenghth inside to fight for this most important job in life which is raising your children to be mentches.I always thought, if I just model proper behaviour they'll eventually learn, but you advised to "explain our actions,our spouses positive actions and it has made such a wonderful difference in my home.My question is as follows, how do you gently remind children without starting to portray yourself as a broken record? I sometimes have a hard time knowing when to step in ,and when to back off so my kids don't tune me out.I know that in school and at friends houses I get nothing but nachat reports on how lovely the children are, but at home I find them constantly fighting,bickering,teasing eachother, and I just have a hard time differentiating between what is normal sibling relationships, and when to step in and give the "you need to have Derech Eretz for eachother...".I would appriciate if you had any advise on this issue.
Thank-You So Much,
Answer:
Yours is a most important question. We don't want to sound like a broken record yet, we do not want to let opportunity pass us by. And herein lies the key: 'opportunity'. If your children see you constantly criticizing them and speaking as if you are annoyed or angry at them, then they will come to tune out your words.But if you parent with purpose, and know that these encounters are really opportunities for you to teach your children, then the way that you step in during those moments will be different. You won't be yelling or as angry, you will speak from a calmer place and they will hear your words differently. Also, there is a difference between normal sibling arguing/playing/learning to resolve conflicts together versus siblings who are constantly insulting each other, unable to sit next to each other without fighting, and siblings who do not have the ability to play together. if yours is the first case, know that you just need to sometimes give a gentle reminder as to the rules in the family and how we must get along.You will find that they learn to resolve their differences as time goes on. But, if yours is the second, you need to do something more than just remind the children of rules. The atmosphere in your home is being ruined. I would suggest that you read the chapter on sibling rivalry very carefully and then email me with any questions that you may have.
b'bracha,
slovie
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