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Category: Marriage
Question: Shalom Slovie:
It's (from your parenting class). and I miss coming to your monthly classes and can't wait until they start up again. Do you have a date for that?
The reason I am writing to you is to seek advice from you as it relates to my husband and me. Of course, it's personal but I know you've heard it all. You see, we have been having difficulties lately and actually seeing a therapist because I'm feeling my needs for intimacy are not being met. I'm not talking about sexually. I'm talking about as a woman who needs affection and cherishing. My husband is a wonderful, funny, loyal, hard-working man and is an excellent father. I find, however, that he is so consumed by work (which we have a shared contribution to - that I mentioned to you) that it comes first, the kids come second and I feel many times that I come last. Of course, he loves me and I know it. I just don't always feel it. I've told him so specifically what my needs are and even now in therapy, we've discussed it very specifically but I just don't see an effort on his part to show me love in "my language." He shows love by deeds and I need it more in affection and verbal acknowledgement. I don't really understand what the resistance is and therapy hasn't seemed to unlock it. The real crux for me is that he IS an affectionate person - he shows a lot of affection to our children (even our dog) but somehow, not for me. I feel that I've been so patient and have put my needs aside but I can't do it any longer. He's made his needs known, too (shalom bayit, a clean home, good time management, etc.) and I feel I've made a real effort. I just don't see a lot of reciprocity and it makes me sad. I know that in your couples class you talked about 'ahava' being an unconditional thing and I have my days where I can really be in that place, but sometimes I can't because I'm a person who understands the fragility of life and how important it is to love and be loved every day. I'm still willing to give the therapy a chance (we've probably gone about a dozen times) but there are avenues I'm sure I haven't yet explored and I'm still
Answer: hi! it was so good to hear from you! I took out a...
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Category: Relationships
Question: We all know that man is responsible for his/her actions. can you tell me more?
Answer: Our sages teach us that 'everything is in the hand...
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Category: Discipline
Question: Hi Slovie!I`m an 8 month mother, who works at morning; & leaves my baby at kindergarden. she is really intelligent and every day surprises me with new things, but real probleam are when she needs to sleep. I`m still breast feeding her, so sometimes she gets up 3 or 4 times per night, and can be awoke for about an hour and a half; my husband is really not resting well because of this and neither do I. This also repeats during the day, and I dont know if I have to let her cry in heer cribb or waht to do. thank you for your help!
Answer: A parent, (working or not), without sleep is one w...
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Category: Relationships
Question: dear Slovie
we have always been close to our married son and his wife. they live nearby they have been married for 10 years. we are always there for him and his wife. in fact it is very rare that her side is asked anything.it is true that my daughter in law's mother has remarried after a nasty divorce. my daughter in law grew up with her father's family and is close to her uncle and aunt. the siblings were split and her sisters grew with her mother.I was even present for the birth of one of the grand chilfren . she calls me Ima and my husband Abba,she talks to me just about anything and everything.however, slowly as time goes on I am seeing a patern that is not very pleasant. my son talks in a derogative way about his sisters. whenever one of my daughters comes with her family to spend shabbos with us there is a strain in the relationship, something that was not there before my son's marriage. the conversation at the table is not relaxed .my son nor his wife never make it a point to call any of my daughters at any time.it is through me that they hear about the rest of the family. i noticed that when my other married son comes for shabbos , my daughter in law makes a point to visit. my son's shiduch was made by one of my daughters and my daughter's in law sister.they were in the same class throughout high school.even with this sister relations are strained. lately ,my daughter in law has not been respectful towards us. she has been making comments about us right in front of us. once I said something back to both of them in a light way so not to cause a fight. understandably our relationship with our son is starting to show signs of strain.my son has had a promotion at work so they will be moving away . they are asking us for help with the grand chilfren and what not but their behavior is the same.my hausband is very upset with my son and is desapointed . I would like to talk to my son about all this business but I am not sure if I should and also if I do I do not want to be the reason nor the cause for a fight between the couple specially at this time she is pregnant and also with the moving etc. we brought up our children and taught them to have derech eretz among themselves and to others. that family comes first . I am terribly afraid where this is going to lead to. in fact very often she would ay to me "you have brought up your son very well".. my husband is a very learned man , he is a rabbi . we are sefardic moroccans. my daughter in law comes from a litvish back ground. she does not seem to have too much kavod for her parents and we have asked her to stop talking in a derogative way about them or her siblings .my son should know better since he did not grow up this way ,unfortunatly the oposit is happening. even though they will be away but if anything it will only feed this kind of attitude . I do not want to see my family split apart.I would very much appreciate an answer as soon as possible as I see things but keep quiet . I did not even share my thoughts with my husband just so not to make a big deal about it. and neither has he for the same reason but we are hurting very much thank you
Answer: What terrible pain you must be feeling!A mother's ...
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Category: Kid's Friendships
Question: Hi Slovie,
My ten year old son learned today that his best friend since he was 3 has been taking him for granted and hurt his feeling terribly. He always knew that this particular friend has an unnatural obsession with another friend, but up until now it never bothered him. Today, he was at the playground and his best friend didn't even acknowledge him. He said to me " Mommy not only did I not feel like his friend, he made me feel like I wasn't even a person."
My heart was totally broken for him. He is sensitive and always looked to this child as security but it is not reciprical. I told him that he has so many other friends that would love to spend time with him and he will miss out. He said I'm so angry that he treated me like that, that he is not even my friend. I said that he was his friend but he needed to teach this friend that he will not take this from him. How should he teach him without looking too sensitive. There are going to be many people in his life who behave like this and that is why they are friends. Family is forever and would never treat him like that.
I was also tempted to tell the mother who is my friend that my sons feelings were hurt but I had second thoughts. What do you think?
Answer: First, I'd like to acknowledge your hurt as a mom....
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Category: Respect
Question: hi Slovie
can you please give an explanation of what middot are.
thaks!
Answer: sure! 'middot' means character. It literally means...
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Category: Tantrums
Question: Hi Slovie,
I really have missed your classes and advice. I plan on being at the next class but I really need your help now.
My daughter XXX is such a sweet person but she cries about everything and it's really getting on my nerves. I've snapped at her and said things I'm not proud of. Basicaly I'm losing my patience instead of teaching her lessons and helping her out of this stage.
The crying is usually from saying no or if I say it's bedtime etc. She does not care where she is, who she is front of, if she wants something and the answer is no she will cry until she gets it.
For example today we were having lunch at XXX for mothers day before my sons soccer game, and she cried at least 4 times during that lunch. My lunch was ruined, I was stressed out and it was in front of so many people I guess I was embarrassed too. Seth had gotten her a cookie and when we got back to the table she wanted what my son had. He said no but then decided to share with her and she only wanted a new one. XXX said no and she went nuts. By this time I grabbed her and put her in the car with screaming and crying. We are now home, she is on her bed sitting quietly and I'm missing my sons game. I just felt like she had to be taken home. What I'm not proud of was the car ride home where I screamed, called her names etc. How do I deal with her so that I may avoid losing my temper like this. I really need to teach her that this is unacceptable behavior but I'm stuck. Let me know. Happy Mothers day to you. Thanks, XXX
Answer: Dear M.,
I've missed you at class but until the n...
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Category: Listening
Question: Dear Slovie,
My husband and I have one adorable 11 month old baby boy. He is a very smart and determined boy and we see it by his actions. He is not willing to give up. We have been having trouble putting him to sleep and helping him to sleep for longer periods of time throughout the night. We have gone through a few methods and none have seemed to work. He sleeps for 3 to 4 hours, then wakes up and I have tried letting him cry, and holding him and then putting him down but he still crys. At the end I give up and bring him to my bed and nurse him. My husband has been so caring yet he is also running low on sleep and it is effecting his health. I try to get up and make sure he doesn't cry, so not to wake up my husband, yet it isn't always possible. I feel that our baby is also more tired due to not having a restful sleep. Please advise me as to what I can do.
Thank you for everything.
Sara
Answer: Dear Sara,
One of the most important ingredients ...
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Category: Relationships
Question: Dear Slovie,
I'm a Jewish woman who has an issue with my 25 year old daughter. She fears that she will never have a relationship. She had four in a year and they haven't lasted more than 6 weeks. She is sad and depressed and I fear for her. Can you help her please? Sh say her relationships never last and all her friends are married. I really need nelp with this.
(Please don't print my name or all the contents of this letter.)
Answer: I think that it would be a good idea to have your ...
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Category: Challenges
Question: Dear Slovie:
I am a mother of a lovely Special Needs Child. She is almost 7 years old and has a learning disability. My husband and I adore her so much. Especially since we can't seem to have any more children.
My question is this: My daughter and I have difficulty with discipline as well as my soft nature. I seem to be either very sweet and cuddley with her or get very angry with her when she misbehaves with chutzpa towards me or others. She is basicaly a good and smart girl who is a real actress. Currently her schedule is the following: she goes to Margetts school for 1st grade special ed. She is doing very well with tremendous improvement. We want to send her to Yeshivah next year, but feel overwhelmed with where to send her. We live in Monsey and the schools here don't have Special Ed at all. If she goes to a regualar Yeshivah, they have only a resource room.
We need help with a decision for next September as well as with Shoshana's behavior. Her Teacher does not seem to like me because I am too soft with her and she runs a very structured environment. I believe that when children come home from school, they really want to relax and play a little while having a snack. This is what I do for her from 3:30 - 4:30. At 4:30 her Hebrew tutor arrives and sometimes she is happy, but most of the time she is not. Esti is a great tutor for her. Shoshana is continuing to learn her Alepf - Bais and reading it too. So yesterday she did not feel like learning, and I feel like we are spending time and money for nothing. I really want her to have the feeling like she is in Yeshivah to get her ready for a full day very soon! She is learning everything for Pesach now. She fights me and I know she knows a lot now. I had to give her a Pach yesterday and tell her to respect Esti and me. I told her that she could go outside to play afterwards.
However, I just feel like I could use some support from you. I did watch your videos. Very interesting. What kind of advice can you offer for the decision-making process as to where we should send her?
Answer: Dear C.,
I hear many different emotions and thou...
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